What would you do if you were not afraid?

I recently bought the Catechism of the Catholic Church. When I was confirmed, I feel like I said, “Hey, yea, I’m Catholic.” Now, I actually want to be Catholic. Is there a difference? Does that make sense? I don’t know if I’m ready. I can barely tell someone who makes me nervous what my favorite color is. But I really want to be ready. I want to be sure. I want this one thing in my life to make sense and to always be there for me.

I suppose that’s the key to this whole mess; abandonment. I’m good at feeling abandoned. It's ridiculous, of course, because its not like I’ve ever been left alone on a street corner or anything. Maybe it hurts because all of these people are right here in front of me, and I still feel no connection?

First, I’ve always been the third wheel. Mom and Dad, Brianna and Peter…and Alanna. Friend 1, Friend 2…and Alanna. Then, Brianna leaves for college. Then she gets married. Then she moves to Arizona. (Okay, so maybe its not just abandonment. Jealousy too?) Then last year’s friend debacle. Now there go my real friends, off to Madison, River Falls, Colorado, and California. There they go, off to begin their lives. There go the people that made me feel alive last year, when everything else sucked the joy right out of me.

I’m so afraid of my senior year, and how much it will suck without them. What will band competitions be like? Who will I cheer on our terrible football team with? Who will screw around during study hall with me? Who will call me up randomly and invite me to go sledding like we’re 8 years old again? Who will smile at me in the hallway and make my day just okay enough to bear? Who will I go crazy for in the crowd when they make their only baskets of the entire basketball season? Who will be completely obsessed and addicted to lemon drops with me? Who will analyze movies with me? Who will send me the most ridiculous YouTube videos to distract me from my homework? Who is going to be there? Who, who, who?

I just read a book called Jump by Elisa Carbone. It’s not about God, but one of the main characters is very philosophical, if not spiritual. He asks this question of himself and the other main character: “What would you do if you were not afraid?” Just last week, I went cliff jumping. Its probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done in my life. I honestly wasn’t scared, right up until I was standing on the edge of that cliff, looking at the murky water, contemplating what could happen if things go wrong. This type of thinking was another scenario in the book. The main female character free climbs on a part of rock that is extremely dangerous. She doesn’t realize what could have happened until after she has come to a safer point on the rock, but then the realization of all the possible situations and their horrific outcomes paralyzes her with fear. I know that I have this same problem. I blame an overactive imagination.

My friend stood at the edge and counted to herself before jumping on “three.” I, on the other hand, went up to the edge, freaked out, turned around, took some deep breaths, said “I’m going to make myself do this!” and then in one swift motion, I turned towards the water and threw myself off the edge. It’s crazy, because now I really can compare everything in my life to jumping off that cliff.

So this picture is me, after I jumped. The water was disgusting.  I swallowed a lot of it.  

This is the cliff.  Do not be fooled.  It is higher than it looks.

However, there is another ironic aspect of this experience. My mother totally doesn’t know, because she totally wouldn’t approve. (I tried earlier in the summer. Let’s just say that little escapade was shot down in an instant.) Yes, I lied about where I was. But not about whom I was with! And technically, we did go swimming. I know, I know, lying is a sin. I sinned, and it totally sucks. I hate that I can’t trust my mother to understand my need for adventure, and I hate that I have to suffer because of the things she is afraid of, and I hate even more that this is what I decided to do. I had this incredible experience, and I wish it could just be this crazy youthful adventure that I could share with the world, but instead, it’s a secret because of how I went about doing it. I’m trusting you guys with this. Don’t tell my mom.

So, basically, I’m telling you that some of these awesome things in life are not everything that they seem. You can love God, but you cannot keep it a secret. It doesn’t work that way! It has to pour out of every part of your being. People should see His love in your eyes. They should hear it in your words. It should be felt in your touch. Everywhere you go, you should leave traces of God’s love, like Hansel and Gretel and their breadcrumbs in the forest. I’ve realized this is what I should be like. I’ve also realized I’m so far from living. Who’s willing to try it with me?

Yes, I love God. Yes, I want to be Catholic. But how ready am I to commit? I’m really working on it. I bought the Catechism, and I opened it to the prologue. But this thing talks about a man’s purpose. A man was created in the likeness of God. A man, a man, a MAN. Maybe I’m being too literal. I’m generally good at thinking abstractly, but with this, I just want to words to lead me directly to something real. And if I’m only reading about a man, than how can I find something real?

Right now, I feel suffocated in Portage. I have to lie to live my life, and everything is so messed up and wrong. I fake who I am to get along with friends, and nothing is real. I go through the motions, and I daydream about what it could be. It’s so scary to think about where I’m going to go to college. So scary, and so exciting, because it already means so much to me. I need to have a connection to this place, and to the people. I need to learn to accept that God does love me. I need to learn to love myself. How else can I begin to pour out that love on other people?

So.  My answer to the question "What would you do if you were not afraid?"  So many things!  I would have told him.  I wouldn't have anything to regret.  I wouldn't have so much hate, but a million times as much love.  I wouldn't be bored.  I would tell EVERYONE.  I wouldn't hesitate.  I would go there.  I would, I would, I would.  What would you do?  

I Need You Jesus, Come to My Rescue...

Truthfully, I really don't know where to begin. There is so much rubbish going through my head I can't even think straight...


This might skip around slot and I apologize now for it.

1. It's been 2 months since camp. And frankly, I have changed. Not only do I see God everywhere, I also see him no where. I have been engulfed into society and it's demons. I mean when you look at the post below me, you see growth. Like I've said before I have hit my plateau. And man DOES IT SUCK! I haven't legitly prayed to God in about 3 weeks because of school and such. And right now I feel.... Empty. I don't know if it's because of me, I don't know if it's because of school. All I know is that this emptiness hurts.

The other day, my best friend got... Well as she puts it dumped by her boyfriend of a year and a half. I of course comforted her. And being myself, I knew I had to be the strong person she could go to. But, the night before my parents and I had an arguement of all arguements. And I was hurting just as much as she was. And I asked God to help me, to help her, to help my family. But, God being who He is, challenged me. He didn't give that immediate recognition that He sometimes did. So, while she was hurting from the break-up. I was hurting from emptiness. That emptiness has been going on for the last 2 weeks, the break- up was only 2 days ago...

I was talking to Taylor after school yesterday (friday) and being Taylor, she gave me passages from books she was reading, and told me to pray. Though I prayed, I felt nothing. I didn't get thY peace I usually get talking to Taylor. I mean I LOVE LOVE LOVE talking to her, but I always get that sense of peace... Like "everythings gonna be alright."

I want that back. I had that sense of peace. I let everything go. And now... I am scared. Terrified, if you will... The more I think about camp gray, the place that brings me so much joy, the sadder I get. It makes me miss all of you oh so much. And it makes me scared that I won't see you for a long time...

MC's having a get together September 5th. My parents keep saying no. No it's too far. No let them come down here.. No no NO!

Man oh man this keeps getting sadder and sadder..... I don't wanna feel like a debbie downer. But I just can't go much longer. I don't have people close by to talk about God, my friends don't understand. And I mean all of you guys live in like a 10-30 minute driving distance away from each other. Minus Miranda and myself. But, it just makes me feel like I'm missing out on all the God adventures. Like, if I lived up there I would be asking people to come to church with me. And all this other stuff...


Idk I just have that feeling of emptiness that is making me this way.



2. Have u guys ever listened to a song and though of God??
That's every song for me haha. The one I first heard was one by Miley Cyrus.. I know Miley Cyrus ewww, but the song "When I look at you" when I hear it I see God. I see truth. And there are so many other songs that make me see God, even though it wasn't intentional (if only I could spell)


But I guess the point of this was to share something that was on my mind/ heart. And to share something that I hear everyday... So yeah...


I miss u guys so so SOOOOOO much... Come visit me sometime down in lonely Illinois.

Love you
God bless
Praying for u always.

Love
Michelle

Prayers and Sacrifices and God's Plans for Everyone

Since the day I let my family know what I was thinking, there have not been many conversations in which they questioned my views on religion and not related them to my views on politics. While I'm young and slightly impressionable, I still know, for the most part, where I stand on most political and religious issues. Ever since Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional, I've heard many people assuming what I should or should not believe. My family believes one thing; my friends believe another; I'm stuck trying to figure out exactly what I believe. Well today I was reading a blog by Cardinal Roger Mahony, the Archbishop of Los Angeles, along with Bill's most recent post, and I was reminded of the issue of gay marriage in the United States. I don't exactly know my intentions of this post, perhaps to get your opinions on it, but I figured this would be a good way to get my opinion out there.

First off, I understand what the Church teaches on homosexuality. It is not, as many assume, that Catholics hate gay people. In fact, I chuckled today as I was flipping through the Catechism, because it explicitly states that homosexuals "must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity," yet so few people actually take the time out to forget their judgements and hear what the Church is saying. Homosexuals are people. Of course we are called to love them. But intercourse with someone of the same sex is a sin--it's that simple. It is no worse, however, than having sex before marriage or using contraceptives. Sex is a beautiful gift from God. He's letting us play a part in creating life, for goodness sake; it may very well be the closest thing we have to experiencing His power. Having sex in these ways closes the opportunity to create life. To make a mockery of that gift by having sex casually or for pleasure is awful, shameful even--it takes God's gift and lessens it, turns it into some shallow human act of passion. Now, I am not going to be so stupid or close-minded as to say that homosexuals can control their love for people of the same sex. But I am saying that they can control whether or not they act on those feelings. Nothing makes them less able to control their sexual desires than you or me. God calls homosexuals to chastity, just as He often calls heterosexuals to chastity. It will probably be the hardest thing they ever have to do, but a true sacrifice for God is never easy. I am actually more bothered by those who have sex for pleasure before marriage than by homosexuals. Many homosexuals cannot help their feelings, and would give anything to love people of the opposite sex and create life with the gift God has given--so for heterosexuals to not recognize the gift and use sex as a pleasure-seeking outlet disappoints me. When it comes down to it, God is calling homosexuals to a life of chastity. He loves them so much, as we should as well, and He's challenging them to make this great sacrifice for Him.

I have such a hard time with the gay marriage argument in this country. I have strong feelings with my faith, as I have already stated, and I feel as if having sex without being open to life is like telling God you're too good for his petty little gift. The bottom line, though, is that God loves us so much that He gave us the ability to choose. I choose Him; I choose His love; I choose the path He has layed out for me. Others, though, choose against God. For whatever reason, they look at the Church with tainted eyes and refuse to accept the beauty that lies within. We, as Christians, are called to love and accept them in any way, and to keep them in our prayers. Which leads me to my main point--we live in a place full of so many different religious beliefs. In a country where everyone's opinions are accepted, we are called to love the people as well, despite our differing beliefs. Separation of church and state. It's so incredibly hard to do, but if others aren't accepting God, we can't force them to. I do not believe that God would allow gay people to marry, due to what I have already stated. But if people aren't going to choose God, and they want to have a piece of paper that sees them as married in the eyes of the government, who are we to stop them? I just don't see it as that big of a deal. We should express God's teachings to these people, but in the end, if they don't choose God, we can't force them. I can't exactly say I'm pro-gay marriage, but I'm not against it either. I don't understand how homosexuals could possibly be fulfilled knowing that their sexual actions are sins, just as I don't understand how heterosexuals could get married outside of the Church, knowing that the government sees them as married, rather than God seeing them as married. That wouldn't be good enough for me. But I'm still going to love my homosexual friends, along with my heterosexual friends who make bad choices, and pray for them. Because God is calling them to make a great sacrifice, and I know they can do it with His help.

But hey, I've ranted for long enough. I've got books to read and life lessons to learn. It's been real, LITs.

Taylor

Oh, and also: I don't know who I was trying to convince with this post. Ha, you guys are the only ones that read this anyway. I'm a new kid, though, and I'm just learning these things, so I find them fascinating. Mainly, this is just my outlet for fascinating things regarding God.

Serenaded by Faith

I hope no one minds-I was creeping on the draft posts.  (Apparently people expect this of me.  When I promised NOT to Facebook creep on this girl my friend is into the other day, he texted me with this shocking comment  "There are two things I count on-the sun will come up in the morning, and Alanna Stapleton will creep."  Thanks best friend, thanks so much.)

Anyways, Danny made a comment on his draft about knowing he loved God and believed in him, so he questioned why attending church was so important.  Wasn't simply having faith enough?  Danny, you hit my feelings of the past few years right on the head.  This went hand in hand with simply not having time for God.  I was so exhausted from everything else that I was not willing to see God standing there next to me (or even carrying me at times).  I know this has been my struggle, trying to do what my mom thinks is important and convincing her to allow me to do the things that I think are important too.  (Also, notice the name of this blog.  Taylor's idea for the name, but I knew it was perfect for me)

So, how did I know that God was there that entire time?  Well, Pandora.com accompanied me on many late night homework escapades.  I let it play almost all the time, so I usually use up my free listening hours each month.  I began by adding stations like Ben Folds, or Ani DiFranco, or Regina Spektor and Lilly Allen.  I was in to quirky, ironic, raunchy music.  It was my only chance for rebellion, music that spoke of things I couldn't even imagine experiencing in dreary little Portage.  Some days I went mellow with Coldply, Gavin DeGraw, or Sara Barellies.  The weirdest days were my Justin Timberlake, O Town, and Backstreet Boy days. (you can't tell me you don't still listen to TBB, 'Nsync, or 98 degrees whenever you need a little reminder of the 90's).   I went for the current pop rock groups like All American Rejects and Fall Out Boy too.  I even added some of the angry pissed off teenage ranting that I had listened to during 8th grade, freshman, and sophomore years.  This music played over and over in the background, keeping me awake on the latest nights and keeping me focused on the ones where I just couldn't stand to think about  le chatelier's principle or the effect that adding an acid or base would have on a particular solution.  I got bored easily though, and found myself switching stations constantly, never satisfied with what Pandora was feeding me.  I was hungry for something that meant something to me.  These songs talked of wild parties and epic love stories and driving into the sunset and being generally crazy and living life.  I couldn't relate to any of this!  I spent my days doing homework, completely 4-H and Girl Scout Projects for my mom, and going to school events, like sports and band.  I was going to say that I don't know what made me add a Relient K station, but that would be a lie.  I know exactly who helped me  (The Big Man upstairs, duh).

So long story short, I added this station and realized, for the first time, that I didn't hate cheesy Christian music.  And guess what?  I no longer found it cheesy (well, most of it anyway)  The school year trudged on, and I sunk deeper and deeper into the drama and stress of everything going on.  I played this music on my laptop every night, and yet I couldn't hear what God was telling me the entire time.  I didn't bother to pay attention to the lyrics, I just wallowed in my thoughts and made myself feel so alone.

I got to camp and I felt a connection, a family, people always willing to talk and be there for me and answer my questions and be totally supportive.  Something finally clicked.  The lyrics and tunes I'd hummed all year long finally sunk in.  Jesus was ALWAYS there, serenading me.  (How awesome is that)

So, that's what the separate page is for.  Its lyrics from songs that inspire me and remind me of you guys and the stories you have told me about your struggles.  I encourage you to listen to these songs, because they've helped me so much.  I know we have all struggled to find ways to keep Jesus beside us every minute of every day, and this is what I've learned to do.  If I've got one of these songs stuck in my head all day, then I'm thinking about camp and the way it makes me feel, and all of you and your beautiful faith, and about GOD, all day long.  Feel free to add lyrics that inspire you, or add a comment about some lyrics I've posted.

Peace and God Bless

Alanna 

Lord, I Know That I Need You

I don't have a job. I babysit, but that's only once or twice a week. I don't participate in a fall sport, and I work out in the mornings at 6am for track in the spring. My AP classes don't have summer work this year and I've already taken all of my vacations for this summer. Basically what all of this adds up to is a lot of free time, and a lot of time to think about things. While I've found myself going slightly insane (I can only go so long exploring my mind. Eventually I find myself contradicting my previous thoughts and creating a mess of something that was once perfect), I've also managed to delve into my faith life and really explore the Catholic faith as a whole.

What I've realized through this time is that it's impossible to have everything you want. It seems obvious, but I thought that maybe I could open people's eyes to the beauty of Catholicism, rather than the negative stereotypes that surround it. The disappointing realization I've come to, though, is that some people just aren't willing to change. I can't completely blame them, since I had these views for so long also, but I naively thought I could show everyone the truth, with God's help. It hasn't completely worked out that way. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten the "yeah, I guess" from people. Don't know what I'm referring to? Oh, it's become a daily phrase used in my life. When I try to talk to people about my views, they often question me, or bring up something irrelevant (and quite misunderstood) that makes the Church look bad. It was kind of okay though. For the most part, I sort of know what I'm talking about. I mean, I had these questions too. I wasn't about to change my religious beliefs without addressing some of the most popular anti-Catholic notions. So with my limited knowledge (and slightly pieced together from what I've been taught by different people and sources), I explain to them what is actually true. That's when the "yeah, I guess" is most often inserted. When people realize that they have nothing to say that contradicts the teaching, but they aren't willing to change or admit they're wrong. Goodness, it bothers me. Why are people so unwilling to open their hearts? It's awful. I think the best case I can think of is one with a friend of mine. She's Evangelical Free, and her faith life is pretty strong, though she doesn't get into the details that separate the divisions of Christianity very often. When I explained to her my decision, she seemed indifferent--she wasn't angry, but she didn't really care too much either. Her words? "Yeah, I dunno. Just the whole praying-to-Mary thing..."

Score! I was a little more than excited. I mean hey, I spent so much time learning about how totally awesome Mary is, and I learned the truth behind the Hail Mary, so why not take this opportunity to explain this to my friend? I obviously explained what had been explained to me just a few weeks before, and I told her how awesome it was and where it came from, etc. Not to toot my own horn, but it was a pretty good explanation. But after I finished talking, all I heard was "yeah, I guess." I was so disappointed. She didn't even take the time to think about what I had just told her--she just shut it out and changed the subject. I've gotten that so much recently--from my family, from my friends, from everyone. I just wish people would take out five minutes to open themselves up to the beauty of Catholicism. I wish they could see how close it can bring you to Jesus and how powerful Mary's prayers are. But I don't know, you can't fix everyone. I guess I'll just have to wait, and pray that God guides them to the truth as he has done for me.

But I digress. That was just a small portion of the main picture I intended for this post. Mainly, I've realized a few things regarding what I really want: a beautiful, loving relationship with Jesus; a beautiful, loving relationship with my family; a beautiful, loving relationship between Jesus and my family. In my attempt to successfully complete the latter, I created a mess with the two former. I spent my time obsessively researching Catholic traditions and reading chapter after chapter of books regarding the reasons behind traditions. It was gluttony, and religious knowledge was my food. Now, for a while I thought this was a good thing, but I was unable to give God the time to really show me what each lesson meant. I soaked up so much information in such a short amount of time, but eventually it started to leak out. So many details that I found fascinating at the time of reading have been lost from my mind, and that really bothers me. These things helped my faith at the time, but in the long run I tried so hard to be able to answer every question my family and I had that I lost the true meaning behind spiritual readings. My need to find all the answers actually brought me farther from my family and farther from the passion that I had previously felt with God.

So once I realized all of this, I became disappointed and stopped reading for a few days. I stopped researching and started living. I would pray, but it didn't mean much. Lots of words with lots of meanings, but not much that connected me with Jesus. Which stinks, really. Ha, actually I found that a nun explained my feelings very well. I'm kind of an old person, so the other day I was watching an Oprah episode where they explored a convent. One of the nuns said something along the lines of, "I love it, but it's tough to be married to Jesus because I know that any problem with the relationship is my fault." Ha, I thought it was clever. But so true, and totally what I was thinking. I felt this void in my life, but it was my fault. I went from being obsessed with getting more information to putting no effort into something that's so integral in having a good relationship with God.

So I've been working on finding that balance. As with everything in life, I get as much out of it as I put into it, but it's impossible to have a perfect relationship with God (obvi, I'm human and flawed). I have to allow myself to forget about everyone else. I can't try to please anyone; I just have to focus on God. I need to let go of my stress of not having everything I want, and just realize that if I let God lead me, he won't let me down. I can't tell you the number of times I've prayed the rosary as a last resort and felt completely at peace. You'd think I'd be smart enough to go to God right away--especially after I make the same mistake time and time again--but I guess not. Oh well, he still loves me. Which rocks.

I'm not trying to be super random, but I have a lot circling my mind right now, and I don't want to take up lots of space with multiple posts. Catholicism is so cool, guys. I can't wait to be Catholic. I'm one to really enjoy things that you put your heart and soul into, and that's how I feel about this. It's so full of passion and so beautiful, and I think the world needs to see that. I'm going to try really hard to not make this sound like a cheesy attempt of myself becoming a motivational speaker, but no promises. Seriously guys, show people how awesome Catholicism is. That's the one thing that really bugs me--I always saw it as this super hardcore church that just wanted more people to join the bandwagon. It's so not, though. It's centered around God; it's centered around love. Show people it's not just an institution--show them what is behind the teachings, and why we do what we do. Of course we'll be hated by many people, but some people will allow God to open their hearts and see the beauty that I see. So I dunno LITs, just get it done. Live your lives beautifully, as Jesus intended it, and show people that he is your guide.

Keep your faith lives strong.

I'm praying for you.

Taylor

Funny Words, by Alanna and Taylor

God likes fun words too, right?

Goofy
Wiggle
Giggle
Squash
Booming Metropolis
Gourd
Francisco
Churger
Ostrich
Didgeridoo
Tots (As in the abbreviation for totally) (Because, as Jenna has stated, "it looks a lot like 'tots,' as in little kids")
Scuttlebutt
Skullduggery
Drizzle
Pluck
Finagle
Lumber
Gobbledygook
Cahoots
Flabbergasted
Hullabaloo
Diphthong
Wigwam (You know, like the Native American rounded homes?)
Britches
Uvula
Sashay
Swish
Persnickety
Snorkel
Sassafrass
Doodle
Snarky
Jiffy
Fig (as in Newton)

kumquat

fortitude

farce

Lemur (like Zaboomafoo!)

Pants (HOT pants)

Noodle

Turtle

Hippo

Leg

Orange

Masticate

Trendy

Lisp

Flummox

Flibbertigibbet

Foxy (Grandpa)

Canoodle

Snout

Squeegee

Podunk

Wharf

Isthmus

Tomfoolery

Shenanigans

Destiny (only when used by teenage girls describing their failed relationships)

Kerfuffle

Cankle

Besmirched

Err

Whirl

Thespian

Fisticuffs

Spittle

Chimp

Anything that ends in -igity
Camelot

Bean
Spry
Snooty
Crook

Dudgeon
Gardyloo (apparently a warning shouted before throwing water from above)
Filibuster
Ferment
Joints
Van Wagner
Manicotti
Ziti
Muggle (or any word created by J.K. Rowling)

Apodyopsis. Look it up.
Spam
Poppycock
Poppy Seed
Muffler

Blubber

Booger

Bouffant

Guffaw

Macaw
Jerusalem
Quaff
Scallywag
Gumbo
Don Knotts
Curd
Umbilical
Corn
Beaver (Eager Beaver, specifically)
Jambalaya
Pantaloons
Knickers (Half-pants. Right, Mr. Franklin? He's in his knickers)
Smurf
Twerp
Twitter
Blog
Narwhals