Truthfully, I really don't know where to begin. There is so much rubbish going through my head I can't even think straight...
This might skip around slot and I apologize now for it.
1. It's been 2 months since camp. And frankly, I have changed. Not only do I see God everywhere, I also see him no where. I have been engulfed into society and it's demons. I mean when you look at the post below me, you see growth. Like I've said before I have hit my plateau. And man DOES IT SUCK! I haven't legitly prayed to God in about 3 weeks because of school and such. And right now I feel.... Empty. I don't know if it's because of me, I don't know if it's because of school. All I know is that this emptiness hurts.
The other day, my best friend got... Well as she puts it dumped by her boyfriend of a year and a half. I of course comforted her. And being myself, I knew I had to be the strong person she could go to. But, the night before my parents and I had an arguement of all arguements. And I was hurting just as much as she was. And I asked God to help me, to help her, to help my family. But, God being who He is, challenged me. He didn't give that immediate recognition that He sometimes did. So, while she was hurting from the break-up. I was hurting from emptiness. That emptiness has been going on for the last 2 weeks, the break- up was only 2 days ago...
I was talking to Taylor after school yesterday (friday) and being Taylor, she gave me passages from books she was reading, and told me to pray. Though I prayed, I felt nothing. I didn't get thY peace I usually get talking to Taylor. I mean I LOVE LOVE LOVE talking to her, but I always get that sense of peace... Like "everythings gonna be alright."
I want that back. I had that sense of peace. I let everything go. And now... I am scared. Terrified, if you will... The more I think about camp gray, the place that brings me so much joy, the sadder I get. It makes me miss all of you oh so much. And it makes me scared that I won't see you for a long time...
MC's having a get together September 5th. My parents keep saying no. No it's too far. No let them come down here.. No no NO!
Man oh man this keeps getting sadder and sadder..... I don't wanna feel like a debbie downer. But I just can't go much longer. I don't have people close by to talk about God, my friends don't understand. And I mean all of you guys live in like a 10-30 minute driving distance away from each other. Minus Miranda and myself. But, it just makes me feel like I'm missing out on all the God adventures. Like, if I lived up there I would be asking people to come to church with me. And all this other stuff...
Idk I just have that feeling of emptiness that is making me this way.
2. Have u guys ever listened to a song and though of God??
That's every song for me haha. The one I first heard was one by Miley Cyrus.. I know Miley Cyrus ewww, but the song "When I look at you" when I hear it I see God. I see truth. And there are so many other songs that make me see God, even though it wasn't intentional (if only I could spell)
But I guess the point of this was to share something that was on my mind/ heart. And to share something that I hear everyday... So yeah...
I miss u guys so so SOOOOOO much... Come visit me sometime down in lonely Illinois.
Love you
God bless
Praying for u always.
Love
Michelle
I'm sorry I stink at helping you sometimes. I'm a new kid and I should probably get my act together ha. But you know what is awesome about this post? I know how awful you're feeling right now--trust me, I do--but there's also something really cool about you feeling lost. You yearn for God in ways that so many people don't, and that's beautiful. He's throwing a lot at you and challenging you in ways that seem so awful, but that's because you're you. You're awesome and faithful and bubbly and fun, and God knows you can handle it. He wants you to help people, and to grow closer to Him as you do it. He made you in a way that beams happiness and love toward every single person you meet, and it's beautiful how much He has inspired you. You've helped me a lot, obvi, and you're helping your friends and your family and everyone else just by being your goofy-but-lovable self.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is, but it's times like these where you need to forget about the world. Go by yourself and grab your rosary and your Bible. Pour out everything to Jesus and let the Blessed Family heal you. I mean hey, we've talked about this before, but God said it--ask and you shall receive. And I promise that the feeling you get afterward will be worth all of the suffering you've felt in the past couple days, weeks, months. It's the greatest feeling in the whole world--the Holy Spirit consumes your every pore, and God lifts you up and fills you with His love. I know you've felt it before and I know you can feel it again. Fo realsies.
I love you so much (but God loves you more),
Taylor
PS: Goodness, I promise I don't try to sound completely cheesy every time I post something. I know it sounds that way, but it's completely unintentional. God's just a rock star, and I often get overwhelmed by His glory...