Lord, I Know That I Need You

I don't have a job. I babysit, but that's only once or twice a week. I don't participate in a fall sport, and I work out in the mornings at 6am for track in the spring. My AP classes don't have summer work this year and I've already taken all of my vacations for this summer. Basically what all of this adds up to is a lot of free time, and a lot of time to think about things. While I've found myself going slightly insane (I can only go so long exploring my mind. Eventually I find myself contradicting my previous thoughts and creating a mess of something that was once perfect), I've also managed to delve into my faith life and really explore the Catholic faith as a whole.

What I've realized through this time is that it's impossible to have everything you want. It seems obvious, but I thought that maybe I could open people's eyes to the beauty of Catholicism, rather than the negative stereotypes that surround it. The disappointing realization I've come to, though, is that some people just aren't willing to change. I can't completely blame them, since I had these views for so long also, but I naively thought I could show everyone the truth, with God's help. It hasn't completely worked out that way. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten the "yeah, I guess" from people. Don't know what I'm referring to? Oh, it's become a daily phrase used in my life. When I try to talk to people about my views, they often question me, or bring up something irrelevant (and quite misunderstood) that makes the Church look bad. It was kind of okay though. For the most part, I sort of know what I'm talking about. I mean, I had these questions too. I wasn't about to change my religious beliefs without addressing some of the most popular anti-Catholic notions. So with my limited knowledge (and slightly pieced together from what I've been taught by different people and sources), I explain to them what is actually true. That's when the "yeah, I guess" is most often inserted. When people realize that they have nothing to say that contradicts the teaching, but they aren't willing to change or admit they're wrong. Goodness, it bothers me. Why are people so unwilling to open their hearts? It's awful. I think the best case I can think of is one with a friend of mine. She's Evangelical Free, and her faith life is pretty strong, though she doesn't get into the details that separate the divisions of Christianity very often. When I explained to her my decision, she seemed indifferent--she wasn't angry, but she didn't really care too much either. Her words? "Yeah, I dunno. Just the whole praying-to-Mary thing..."

Score! I was a little more than excited. I mean hey, I spent so much time learning about how totally awesome Mary is, and I learned the truth behind the Hail Mary, so why not take this opportunity to explain this to my friend? I obviously explained what had been explained to me just a few weeks before, and I told her how awesome it was and where it came from, etc. Not to toot my own horn, but it was a pretty good explanation. But after I finished talking, all I heard was "yeah, I guess." I was so disappointed. She didn't even take the time to think about what I had just told her--she just shut it out and changed the subject. I've gotten that so much recently--from my family, from my friends, from everyone. I just wish people would take out five minutes to open themselves up to the beauty of Catholicism. I wish they could see how close it can bring you to Jesus and how powerful Mary's prayers are. But I don't know, you can't fix everyone. I guess I'll just have to wait, and pray that God guides them to the truth as he has done for me.

But I digress. That was just a small portion of the main picture I intended for this post. Mainly, I've realized a few things regarding what I really want: a beautiful, loving relationship with Jesus; a beautiful, loving relationship with my family; a beautiful, loving relationship between Jesus and my family. In my attempt to successfully complete the latter, I created a mess with the two former. I spent my time obsessively researching Catholic traditions and reading chapter after chapter of books regarding the reasons behind traditions. It was gluttony, and religious knowledge was my food. Now, for a while I thought this was a good thing, but I was unable to give God the time to really show me what each lesson meant. I soaked up so much information in such a short amount of time, but eventually it started to leak out. So many details that I found fascinating at the time of reading have been lost from my mind, and that really bothers me. These things helped my faith at the time, but in the long run I tried so hard to be able to answer every question my family and I had that I lost the true meaning behind spiritual readings. My need to find all the answers actually brought me farther from my family and farther from the passion that I had previously felt with God.

So once I realized all of this, I became disappointed and stopped reading for a few days. I stopped researching and started living. I would pray, but it didn't mean much. Lots of words with lots of meanings, but not much that connected me with Jesus. Which stinks, really. Ha, actually I found that a nun explained my feelings very well. I'm kind of an old person, so the other day I was watching an Oprah episode where they explored a convent. One of the nuns said something along the lines of, "I love it, but it's tough to be married to Jesus because I know that any problem with the relationship is my fault." Ha, I thought it was clever. But so true, and totally what I was thinking. I felt this void in my life, but it was my fault. I went from being obsessed with getting more information to putting no effort into something that's so integral in having a good relationship with God.

So I've been working on finding that balance. As with everything in life, I get as much out of it as I put into it, but it's impossible to have a perfect relationship with God (obvi, I'm human and flawed). I have to allow myself to forget about everyone else. I can't try to please anyone; I just have to focus on God. I need to let go of my stress of not having everything I want, and just realize that if I let God lead me, he won't let me down. I can't tell you the number of times I've prayed the rosary as a last resort and felt completely at peace. You'd think I'd be smart enough to go to God right away--especially after I make the same mistake time and time again--but I guess not. Oh well, he still loves me. Which rocks.

I'm not trying to be super random, but I have a lot circling my mind right now, and I don't want to take up lots of space with multiple posts. Catholicism is so cool, guys. I can't wait to be Catholic. I'm one to really enjoy things that you put your heart and soul into, and that's how I feel about this. It's so full of passion and so beautiful, and I think the world needs to see that. I'm going to try really hard to not make this sound like a cheesy attempt of myself becoming a motivational speaker, but no promises. Seriously guys, show people how awesome Catholicism is. That's the one thing that really bugs me--I always saw it as this super hardcore church that just wanted more people to join the bandwagon. It's so not, though. It's centered around God; it's centered around love. Show people it's not just an institution--show them what is behind the teachings, and why we do what we do. Of course we'll be hated by many people, but some people will allow God to open their hearts and see the beauty that I see. So I dunno LITs, just get it done. Live your lives beautifully, as Jesus intended it, and show people that he is your guide.

Keep your faith lives strong.

I'm praying for you.

Taylor