PS: To save you the time of scrolling down, this is Taylor.
Seriously. Physically and emotionally exhausted. These last few days have been such a wonderful, awesome, terrible, beautiful roller coaster of a weekend. I went to Resurrection Rally with Jenna's parish, along with Glenna and Alanna and oodles of Camp Gray staffers who are completely wonderful.
Before I get to the meat of this post, I must apologize to you, friends. These last few months have been incredibly stressful. My classes are terrible; colleges are beckoning; I have been frustrated with RCIA. Because of these reasons, I never had time and never made the time to blog (nor could I ever think of anything interesting to blog about). I used to want to write things to you every single day, but I'm kind of losing my creativity. Sorry, LITs!
Also, I feel like I should clue you in on what's been happening in my life since I haven't had a heart to heart with some of you in an incredibly long time. Especially the awesome things that make me realize how wonderful Jesus is every single day. You see, friends, ever since I first made my decision I have considered myself a Catholic fetus. I mean, I'm not technically Catholic yet, but I'm in preparation. So yes, I am in the theoretical womb of Jesus (feel free to picture this, if it would help you understand what I'm talking about). As many of you know, I will be accepted into the Catholic Church on April 23, 2011 at the Easter Vigil. Well, in a recent look at my calendar, I decided to see exactly how long I had been waiting, so that I could make a fraction to show myself how far I've come and how little I have to go. I realized the most unbelievable thing: I made my decision on July 23, 2010. Yes, friends, that is exactly nine months from the date that I will become Catholic. Jesus is so incredible. I mean, seriously. That doesn't just happen. He was showing me His Grace, and it took me six months to realize it.
Back to my original intention: I am exhausted.
This weekend started with a meeting between Glenna and I at the Starbucks at Greenway Station. We met, ran over to Milio's to get dinner, and headed to St John's in Waunakee, where Jenna works. We met a few of the girls from St John's and stuffed twelve bean bag chairs in Glenna's backseat/trunk (which I wish we would have gotten a picture of. We used teamwork to look out the other mirrors to stay safe).
Glenna and I always have good conversations. I don't know, it just works. And we never seem to be able to stop talking once we start. Halfway through the ride, though, we were both out of words. The most beautiful sunset I have ever seen took over the entire sky. No words I can say could ever describe it. We did not speak for thirty minutes. It was so perfect, so telling of what was to come. God showed us how beautiful His work is, and He continued to do so throughout the weekend. I wish I knew more beautiful adjectives so that I could properly describe this, but I can't. And since neither Glenna nor I brought a camera, I will settle for this picture, courtesy of Sally Schremp. It is not the best quality, but I dare you to try to take a picture of the most beautiful thing in a world while inside a moving vehicle on a freezing February afternoon.
The purples, pinks, and blues stretched completely across the sky. As I said, it was the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. Ever.
Then we got there, and though it should have been awkward because Glenna and I were just thrown into a heap of unfamiliar girls, we couldn't get over the beauty we had just witnessed, so we didn't notice anything awkward. Everything was hectic for a while as we helped check in and set up; Alanna arrived, we saw familiar faces, we played ice breaker games (I also realized that one of the youth ministers is the fastest speed walker I have ever met in my entire life (and I'm 99% sure he went easy on me so that I could tag him, but I'm okay with that)). We had an evening filled with songs and prayer and lots of enthusiastic people, and then went to the water park. Note to self: don't leave your swimsuit and towel on your bed at home. It results in very wet shorts and a T-shirt. I also beat Glenna and Alanna while racing down water slides, no big. Don't let them tell you any differently--I went when the woman said to go; it's not my fault they can't hear.
We were all tired when we went back to the room. I was so worried, though: being in a huge community of vibrantly Catholic people was awful. I mean, in one sense, it was the best thing in the entire world, but I hated how jealous I was. So I had planned on talking to Jenna for ten minutes about how I was constantly being taunted, but I ended up keeping her up until almost two o'clock (which is just shocking! I have never, ever kept Jenna up late talking about Jesus...). She's an awesome sponsor, though, and helped me become stable enough to go to sleep.
The next day, Saturday morning, I woke up at seven. Yes, I understand that getting only five hours of sleep is not very good for me, but it was necessary. And God helped me out--I was rarely tired yesterday. Anyway, after showering/eating breakfast, we got the opportunity to pray the rosary in a small group. By small, I would guess there were fifty people in that small room. It was awesome--people were on chairs, standing, sitting, everywhere. Bill was leading it. Obviously, he's been around for virtually every part of my conversion, so he knows how important and influential the rosary has been for me. I love it, yes--but I was terrified when he asked me to lead a decade. I mean, that lasted about 30 seconds, until I reminded myself that I wouldn't mess up, and even if I did, no one would judge me, since it was all for Jesus.
I had forgotten how much I love to lead the rosary. I mean, I can pray it alone all I want, and I've done it in a group a few times over the last few months, but it has been so long since I've actually been in charge of some of it. It was so beautiful--so many voices in unison offering up our prayers to the Blessed Mother. It went too quickly, though. As quickly as it started, it was finished, and I didn't move. I couldn't move. The shuffling of bodies out of that room brought me back to reality.
After another couple of hours of testimonies and singing, we went to different workshops. I heard Molly talk about the beauty of small acts of love, of the works of Mother Theresa and Saint Therese and the story behind Love Begins Here. I also heard Bill talk about himself and get far too much attention from swooning high school girls. We got together with our parish (or the parish that adopted us for the weekend) and talked about the workshops, which didn't last long. It was good, though, to see people really thinking about what they heard and applying it to themselves.
I had the most wonderful talk with Kristen, which we have been trying to have since summer. I got to rant about how jealous I was and she got to solve my life problems. I'd say it's a win-win situation. After the Chula Vista cleaning crew had finished stacking all the chairs but the two we were sitting in, we figured it was time to stop. I helped set up for the Examination of Conscience activity, which would happen later. I also got a chance to talk to both Lauren and Kristen about how much I hate waiting (seriously, I think I ranted to half of Camp Gray's staff about how long these next two months and sixteen days are going to be).
When they had to get actual work done, I went to my room. Glenna was talking to Jenna and Alanna was playing games and making friends, so I was alone. It was actually very nice. I mean, I love them to death, obviously, but I needed time alone with God. Oh! Side note! I won a pocket prayer book. Lindsay Becher and company had taped kazoos under the chairs of three or four chairs, along with a piece of paper that said "WINNER!!!" I won, no big. That'll teach Alanna and Glenna to make me sit on the outside. Somehow I was the only winner whose kazoo was nowhere to be found. That's cool, though, I like my real prize better (I also really liked showing Glenn and Al that I was, in fact, a "WINNER!!!" So I prayed out of my book, and once Alanna got back, we prayed together. It was really nice, because we hadn't gotten much one-on-one time yet. As we were finishing, Glenna walked in, and we all quickly got changed for dinner.
The three of us sat at a table with people we've never met, and tried not to make things any more awkward than they needed to be. We failed, obvi, but it was still fun. I realized that if you're at a large gathering, always take the apple crisp. The chocolate cake will do nothing but disappoint.
Then came adoration. I didn't expect it, but I was a complete mess. I literally cried the entire time. I couldn't believe that Jesus was so close, and I couldn't keep my focus on just myself and Jesus. I kept seeing the girls laughing in front of me, or the boy reclining in the row next to mine. I couldn't believe the irreverence, and I was so angry and ashamed. Plus, then, I was mad at myself, because who am I to judge these people? I don't know what experiences they've had. Perhaps they're really connecting with Jesus. Perhaps the picture of a butterfly on the paper of the girl in front of me was really her way of growing closer to God. And of course I'm doing it again. But hey, jealousy is not a good trait. After a while, Kristen made an announcement for Lectio Divina in one of the side rooms. I thought this would be perfect--it could get my mind off of people, and I could just focus on the Word. After just setting up chairs and being told, inoffensively, that I looked like a raccoon from crying my make up off, I realized that there was no chance I could make it. My tears got even worse, so I returned to my place in the main room. It kept getting worse and worse, and because I thought Mass was approaching soon, I went to look for Jenna. We talked, and by the time we were finished and I had calmed down Mass had already started. I was absolutely fine throughout the entire thing--I sang along, I did everything I was supposed to--until it was time for communion. I may have seemed fine if I had just been allowed to silently judge and hate on people who were just receiving without appreciating, but Jenna leaned over to me and told me to block out everyone else, to just focus on Jesus and me.
Okay, I lost it. In the middle of this huge room, filled with 300 people. Jenna's comment shifted my focus onto my own struggle: my desire for the Eucharist. I would give anything to receive Jesus, friends. Mo-T told me tonight about Blessed Imelda Lambertini, who had such a desire for the Eucharist that God brought her to heaven directly after her first reception--when she was eleven. Obviously I am far less holy than this saint, but it totally resonated with me. I have such a need inside of me for the body of Jesus, and I can't imagine wanting it any more than I do now. So I was a blubbering fool throughout communion and the closing song. Jenna grabbed me and the priest blessed me, which was completely wonderful because he had just held the BODY OF CHRIST in his hands, and now he was holding my forehead, blessing my journey (and giving me a Christian side hug!). I couldn't stop the tears, so I went back to my seat after we were finished. I knelt before Jesus and before I knew it, everyone had left. Lauren and Kristen made me stop crying, then made me start crying, then made me start again. They said things that I'll never forget, and I love them so much for it. I've known them four years, and they've never been around me when I'm in serious spiritual disparity. They brought me Kleenex, in true mom fashion, and reminded me that the pain is a good thing. Bill came over after, reminded me that no, it isn't fair, but it's going to make that Easter Vigil a thousand times more beautiful and powerful. Honestly, friends, that night was so ridiculously stressful and emotionally draining, but I'm so glad it happened. I have wanted for so long to just express my emotions about this, but I've never been able. Granted, I would have rather had about 300 less people with me when I actually did, but I'm not going to challenge Christ's plan for me.
I had a long talk with Glenna and Alanna that night, which was so beneficial, but it just added to my exhaustion. I also saw my wonderful, beautiful, perfectly made friend Jill whom I was a camper with four years ago. She has grown so much, and it is wonderful to see how God pushes her to strengthen her faith.
This morning (or yesterday morning, since it's now Monday morning), everyone prayed the rosary together. There were four emcees, not enough to complete each decade, so I volunteered to lead one. I mean, if I can't receive Jesus, I am going to do everything in my power to show Him that I am completely in love with Him, and that Mary is the most beautiful and perfect human to ever live. And in order to show Him, sometimes that means speaking into a microphone to lead hundreds of people in prayer. It's cool, I'm not Catholic yet, so I would have had an excuse, had I made a mistake.
After many long goodbyes, we finally left. All together, I got nine hours of sleep this weekend. Yes, half of what I should have gotten. Plus I had used up more tears then than I have in the last six months. So, like I said, I am completely exhausted. Which is why, despite more awesome things happening tonight that are worth sharing, I have to go to bed.
I love you all, and I am always praying for you.
God bless.
Taylor
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