We all find ourselves in emergencies.... some more dangerous than others.
If your ever in an emergency, call the Lord.
He will ALWAYS help you.
You are sad, phone John 14:1
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19-34
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You feel like an outcast, phone Romans 8:31-39
You are depressed, phone Psalm 27
You have fear, call Psalm 47
You need security, call Psalm 121:3
You need assurance, call Mark 8:35
You need reassurance, call Psalm 145:18
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You are leaving home for a trip, phone Psalm 121
You need courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
You are worried about inflation and your investment phone Mark 10:17-31
Your bank account is empty, phone Psalm 37
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12
Someone has failed you, phone Psalm 27
You lost faith in mankind, phone 1 Corinthians 13
People are unfriendly to you, phone John 15
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You are faced with opportunity of difficulty phone Isaiah 55
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
It feels as if the world is bigger than God, phone Psalm 90
You feel the world is small compared to you, phone Psalm 19
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
You are seaking secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
love you all
Monday, July 26, 2010
Listen to Myself Talk
To be honest, for the past two years, (since I was last at camp) I've avoided God. Not abandoned. Just...avoided. Sophomore year was busy as usual, but I was still keeping my head above water.
That summer, I didn't go to camp. This wasn't my choice, let me tell you. The last time I was at camp (my second year of ADV Ranch), it was about a month after my sister had gotten engaged. While away at camp, Brianna and Peter chose a date for their wedding. Want to guess when they decided to have their wedding? Well, I was already trying to choose between ADV Ranch or the two week Explorer program. Then, I realized that was also the same weekend as the State 4-H Horse Show. Then, they scheduled their wedding. I mean, yeah, super exciting and stuff. Except...I was so angry. These two things that bring me so much joy, camp and horses, I can't have. It was like she didn't even bother to check and make sure her own sister could come to her wedding. So, instead of looking forward to camps and riding horses to prepare for the show, I sat (INSIDE-seriously, I went crazy) underneath my mother's watch, and completed 4-H projects. The sun was shining, and I was trapped under artificial lights.
More problems ensued while planning the wedding. Was it okay that I, at 16, was her Maid of Honor? Mom sure didn't think so. I felt tossed like salad, and I couldn't say anything because how was I supposed to know what I wanted? Everyone was walking on eggshells, afraid to upset or offend someone. Then I was the Maid of Honor, and I didn't even give a freaking toast. How lame is that? I was not brave enough to say something at my own sister's wedding. I had nothing to say. Well, I could have come up with something raunchy and embarrassing, but my family doesn't appreciate that type of humor. (especially my mother. I can see her tsk-tsking now...) I don't have cutesy stories to tell that reflect her character and show everyone why her and Peter are perfect for each other. They just are. Can't that at least be simple?
So, the wedding is done, my mother is free of any more social situations, and all I have to look forward too is a school year full of AP classes. My summer was stressful, school was stressful, I never hung out with friends because I'm not allowed to have fun, ever. (It's not productive)
It was so obvious I wasn't sleeping. It was the middle the swim season, and I was so healthy and yet so unhealthy at the same time. Burning thousands of calories a day (and constantly eating. That's my favorite part of swim season!) and so physically and emotionally exhausted. But I didn't sleep, because I didn't have the time. There were essays to write, Girl Scout Gold Award projects to finish, 4-H meetings to plan for, AP Chem problems to mull over and never understand. In the pool, I wasn't improving the way I should. I worked so hard in the water, but my body just couldn't keep up. My coach sent me home one day and told me to sleep. I didn't. I was just glad to have an extra hour to do homework. I was only up until 11:30 that night instead of 12:30 or 1.
So, I was stressed. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my shoulder muscles were all in knots, and my back hurt so much that I could hardly sit still in class. And when I did have extra time, I didn't want to think. I was so numb, just gliding through this fog of my life. I wanted to sit, brainless, in front of my computer. Lets be honest, facebook is pretty addicting. Then I found Hulu, and now I could stay hooked on all my favorite TV shows that I was missing out on.
Like I said, I hadn't abandoned God. My family went to church every Sunday, and I was in the process of getting confirmed. Unfortunately, my classes were completely void of any meaning. I didn't know if I really wanted to be Catholic, but when I mentioned waiting to take RCIA classes when I was older so that I could actually be getting something out of the experience, there was no option for even a little bit of discussion. For the record, the reasons for me not really wanting to be Catholic had little to do with Catholicism itself. Mostly, it was just me not understanding and having nowhere to turn to ask questions. And the fact that being a practicing Catholic who truly believes and lives out their Christian values everyday is just...not a very popular thing.
My confirmation sponsor was...sort of helpful. She didn't pressure me into believing anything, or even to go to reconciliation (which I was uncomfortable with) before I got confirmed. (I still haven't gone to reconciliation. I'll leave that topic for another day) I finally understood why it made me so angry and annoyed that no one else in my confirmation classes cared. It was because I did care, and that's all I needed. I knew I loved God, and I knew that the more I learned about the church, the more I would be able to accept and understand. I was just ignorant at the time, and that wasn't something to keep me from becoming a member of the Catholic Church. It was a reason for me to join! By being a part of the church, I have a duty to learn everything I can.
When wisdom enters into your heart and knowledge itself becomes pleasant to your very soul, thinking ability itself will keep guard over you, discernment itself will safeguard you, - Proverbs 2:10, 11
So...I was confirmed in November in Waunakee (where Jenna will be working!) and I was happy about that. But life sucks you back in, and a new wave of stress was bearing down on me.
At the beginning of that year, I became close to one of the girls on my softball team. She was a gruff sort of person, a big girl who wasn't afraid to throw her weight around. She took me in and wanted to be my best friend. (Or so I thought) It was such an unhealthy relationship. I gave and gave and gave and never received anything back. She went on and on about all of her problems, but the second we started to talk about what was going on in my life, I was whiney and annoying. She continued to make bad choices and tell me about them and how much they were screwing up her life, but she really didn't want to hear what I had to say. I had a much tougher class schedule than her, and so I had a lot more homework. She didn't understand that I couldn't be at her beck and call. I introduced her to one of my other best friends. It happened so slowly, that I almost didn't realize it. Now the inside jokes weren't between me and her, they were between her and my other friend. This was fine by me-I was so glad that they got along and all three of us could hang out. But as things went on, this girl started to ignore me more and more, and things just spiraled out of control. She made me feel so horrible. Useless in my own skin and terribly out of place. In class, at the lunch table, on the softball field. Almost no one on my team would even acknowledge my presence because of her. I was so lost, and stressed, and hurt, and confused, and alone. And the worst part was, I could finally see how unhealthy her relationship was with my other best friend. She was breaking curfew, skipping out on family events, dropping anything at any moment to hang out with this girl. Everything about the situation made me so angry and so bitter and even more stressed. I just wanted out.
Along with this bad relationship, a good one also began. We were both in band, and he had a bunch of the same classes as me. He wants to go to the Naval Academy but wasn't a very good swimmer, and I'm on swim team. We started helping each other with homework, swimming together, and eventually just hanging out. I made friends with his friends, and everything has been so easy and good. He was there for me when I was frustrated with life, and never jealous or immature like my other friends. I just didn't relate to anyone anymore, and he was a much better listener than any female friend I had at the time. Its going to be really hard saying goodbye to him at the end of the summer, that's for sure.
Anyways, all of this brings me to summer, when I'm finally getting the chance to go back to Camp Gray. As an LIT. For three whole weeks.
When I finally got to camp, the feeling was so strange. I was almost completely stress free. I was at peace. I had nature, and friends, and God. Everything was so...simple, and I really needed that. In my last post I talked about the Camp Gray community, and how incredibly inviting and accepting and loving it is. They didn't give me a chance to feel alone, and I appreciate more than anyone will ever know.
While meeting with "Brother David!" and Father Greg, I hardly had any questions at all. I loved hearing all of your questions and discussing the answers (what can I say, I love to talk), but nothing was popping into my head. I just...I let things go. I stopped ignoring, and I was just like Hello, God. You're there, and you're awesome, and I think I finally get that now. I wasn't worried about stereotypes anymore. I was just happy to be.
I had two big problems though. During the first weeks, I still got this funny feeling while going through all of the energetic Camp Gray rituals. As part of the staff, I knew a lot about camp is a performance. And so, my main concern was this phony feeling being Catholic gave me. (Or so I thought that's what gave it to me). The second thing nagging at me was that I wasn't sure I was right for Camp Gray. I'd always looked up to the staff and wanted to badly to be one of them. But here I was, and something wasn't clicking. I wanted more time for thought and reflection. Some days, it was really really hard to give up that time and go play with the campers. It all felt kind of empty, and I wasn't sure why.
Then Week Three came, and things changed. I had the opportunity to lead devotions, and I was so excited. This had always been one of the most influential parts of camp for me, and I so badly wanted to share that with these girls. I planned my devotions around the Footprints Poem. I remember hearing this poem as a Trailblazer, and thinking my counselors were goofy for saying God was there to be your friend, not just this untouchable, all-powerful being. But a lot had changed since I was in fifth and sixth grade, and while planning my devotions, this poem spoke to me again. I wrote out this whole speech about through good times and bad, Jesus loves you. When you need someone (even when you feel so incredibly alone) Jesus is always there for you. Counselors had preached this to me for years, but it took me saying it to these 7 year old girls for it to finally seep through my obnoxiously thick skull. I was sitting on the dock at Lake Jake with my campers, Rachel, and Mo-T sitting in a circle beside me. (We made footprints in the sand!) I'm saying these words, that Jesus is the one friend who will never ever let you down, and that you can tell him anything. He listens, even if you want to rant about the most bizarre things. As I spoke, I watched Mo-T and Rachel nod in agreement and I finally realized what I was saying was so true. I was practically punching myself in the face for being so dense. All year, when I felt so alone, Jesus was there! I just wasn't looking for him. Realizing that has helped me to let go of everything that happened this year. It feels so glorious (to use Taylor's favorite word ha ha) to know that the entire time, there he was, carrying my weight on his shoulders. The reason I didn't know he was carrying it too was that I couldn't just let go and allow Him to help me.
So, that's the story. I'm back on the ol' Jesus wagon. I still have big decisions to make this upcoming year, with college looming in the distance. I can't wait to leave (in fact, I need to leave very badly) but I'm just not sure what I want. When it comes to summer, I have to decide whether Camp Gray is where I'm supposed to be. There are so many opportunities out there, and I need to spend my year figuring out where I am called.
Like my old English teacher always used to say when he ranted: "You've got to tell a bunch of little stories so the real story makes sense."
-Alanna
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Where is your God?
Today, was well tough.
I went to church... my church is very liberal and non-traditonal, which is not me. I am terribly traditonal. So church was alittle difficult today... the priest had a wonderful homely about prayer and how people dont know how to pray right because they think they need the "perfect" situation. Which like my priest said, was physically impossible. You need to just do it! But anywho, after church, I read through Taylor and Alanna's blogs and I just kept wishing that I could have that moment that they had...
so Today I went shopping with my mom. And all I could think about is God. I kept asking myself what the heck I was doing at that store when I could be at home chatting it up with an LIT or two, or praying, or hanging out with my family. WHY WAS I SHOPPING FOR STUPID CLOTHES WHEN THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO REALLY NEEDED THEM RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET?!
Surely enough, my emotions got the best of me and I asked my mom if we could leave. My mom didnt understand what was going through my head, and I feel like if I tell her, she'll tell me to get back into the real world. Which hurts... because she doesnt understand that GOD is the real world. SO, she got frustrated at me. So we paid and left the store. The drive home was silent. I walked straight up into my room and blasted "Hail Mary" on my iPod. I couldnt understand why all I wanted was to see the untangeble. I wanted to see God at that moment, I wanted him to just hug me and say its gonna be alright. Silly me and my wishing. :)
About 10 minutes after I got home, I checked my Email and saw that Taylor had written me. She gave me a Psalm that helped her. I cant understand why God has helped me, and has given me such amazing people as the LITs.
But this Psalm was beyond anything I could ever imagine. Not only was I thinking about it throughout the day. But right when I needed it, God gave.
Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 43
1 Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
2 You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
4 Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God
When I first read this I was immediatly in tears. Frankly, I don't know why. All I know is that this passage, is what I was feeling today. It was everything. After reading it a few times I laughed.... God is funny. I can just see Him in heaven laughing, telling me I TOLD YOU SO!!! Just listen to me FOR ONCE!!!
Which makes me laugh... Because no matter what God tells me, I know I run in the other direction. Which is something probably alot of people do.
We need to stop running. We need to learn and know and believe that God is the way.
Jesus said, " I am the way, the truth, and the life." John 14:6
Its crazy... how God puts things that are so simple, plain, and blunt right in front of us and we can barely see them.
Take a second, Back up from the real world. And just look. Just listen to what you may hear.
I love you.
God loves you.
Mary loves you.
I am praying for you all everyday.
Lots of love and prayers,
Michelle <3
I went to church... my church is very liberal and non-traditonal, which is not me. I am terribly traditonal. So church was alittle difficult today... the priest had a wonderful homely about prayer and how people dont know how to pray right because they think they need the "perfect" situation. Which like my priest said, was physically impossible. You need to just do it! But anywho, after church, I read through Taylor and Alanna's blogs and I just kept wishing that I could have that moment that they had...
so Today I went shopping with my mom. And all I could think about is God. I kept asking myself what the heck I was doing at that store when I could be at home chatting it up with an LIT or two, or praying, or hanging out with my family. WHY WAS I SHOPPING FOR STUPID CLOTHES WHEN THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO REALLY NEEDED THEM RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET?!
Surely enough, my emotions got the best of me and I asked my mom if we could leave. My mom didnt understand what was going through my head, and I feel like if I tell her, she'll tell me to get back into the real world. Which hurts... because she doesnt understand that GOD is the real world. SO, she got frustrated at me. So we paid and left the store. The drive home was silent. I walked straight up into my room and blasted "Hail Mary" on my iPod. I couldnt understand why all I wanted was to see the untangeble. I wanted to see God at that moment, I wanted him to just hug me and say its gonna be alright. Silly me and my wishing. :)
About 10 minutes after I got home, I checked my Email and saw that Taylor had written me. She gave me a Psalm that helped her. I cant understand why God has helped me, and has given me such amazing people as the LITs.
But this Psalm was beyond anything I could ever imagine. Not only was I thinking about it throughout the day. But right when I needed it, God gave.
Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 43
1 Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
2 You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.
4 Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God
When I first read this I was immediatly in tears. Frankly, I don't know why. All I know is that this passage, is what I was feeling today. It was everything. After reading it a few times I laughed.... God is funny. I can just see Him in heaven laughing, telling me I TOLD YOU SO!!! Just listen to me FOR ONCE!!!
Which makes me laugh... Because no matter what God tells me, I know I run in the other direction. Which is something probably alot of people do.
We need to stop running. We need to learn and know and believe that God is the way.
Jesus said, " I am the way, the truth, and the life." John 14:6
Its crazy... how God puts things that are so simple, plain, and blunt right in front of us and we can barely see them.
Take a second, Back up from the real world. And just look. Just listen to what you may hear.
I love you.
God loves you.
Mary loves you.
I am praying for you all everyday.
Lots of love and prayers,
Michelle <3
"oh! You of little faith, what do you doubt??"
Oh you of little faith why do you doubt??
That has been my bible passage for the entire 3 weeks of camp. It still is too. WHY DO I DOUBT?!!!
Heck, how should I know. Idk where to begin. So let's begin at the beginning... Man this could take a while...
I was a cradle catholic, raised and taught the teachings of the catholic church. All my life I had to go to church. I had to do religion classes. And of course being me, I just thought hey, a good way to make a few friends and make it less painful. SO, after 5 years of catholic school, I move. To little old Middleton, Wisconsin.
Still didn't really care about church, still cared more about making friends and feeling accepted in the enviornmemt I was given. Then surely enough my parents decide I'm going to do Youth Ministry, every Wednesday, 6-9, at St. Maria Gorretti parish. All I could think about was how much more torture they could put me through. But I went along with it. I went, and there is where my faith grew. Only slightly.
Summer of 7th grade. My dear neighbor MC Kussart told me about camp gray. Going as a trailblazer, I had fun, I didn't fully understand why everyone was so in love with God, but I liked it. Camp grew on me. 7th grade I went to SMG for YM and loved it more and more. It was something I couldn't explain, all I knew was that it was billions times better than my house. 7th grade flew by, and so did the summer. ( which included a trip to camp gray)
I kept going to youth ministry and camp gray througout 8th grade. But during 8th grade, the youth ministry directors Joe Rausch, and Maria Dulli ( if u guys remember Brian Dulli, he was the priest week 2, that's her son) joe and maria took me under their wing, with my friend Brittany. I will never know why they took me under but I'm so happy they did.
Joe and Maria would sign Brittany and myself up for service proect after service project. It was an amazing feeling to serve and show people that we were doing it for God.
Freshma year rolled around and my faith wasn't fully there, but the flame wasn't fully out.
Sophmore year.
The toughest year of my life. October of sophmore year. (2008 I think) my dad told us we were moving. I cried for about 2 hours. He said we couldn't tell anyone. Not until the "For Sale" sign was in the yard... About this time I met my friend, we'll call her julie.
Julie and I, well we became close. We told eachother everything. Julie was the first person I told. Julie was a major down on my faith life and family life. The more I talked about my faith the more julie would try to block it. And make it go away.
New Years eve, my family let me take julie to church. I was beyond excited because I wanted julie to see what I saw, I wanted her to see Jesus in his prime. I was really excited, but when we got back to my house, julie smashed my hopes of her ever converting into the cold, hard ground. I was devistated. I wanted her to see eye to eye with me for so long. I wanted her to see what I saw. But she never saw it. She saw a Cult, she saw crazy people worshiping something that didn't exist. She saw STRAIGHT UP IDIOTS, wasting their time on nothing.
That night I forgot everything I learned in church. I coudlnt believe that everything I had prayed and hoped for, for the last month wasn't coming true. So, I gave up. I didn't pray. I didn't do anything. In church, I dozed instead of payed attention. In youth minsitry, I rolled my eyes instead of listened in. God was out of my life, or so I thought.
In early January, Julie showed me a sick habit she had. Not only did she want me to try, but she wanted to do it with me.
This, is where it gets hard. Let me back track. After new years I told my dad I didn't want to go to church. He got angry and it was a downward spiral from there. There where arguments and threats of moving out everyday.
Which brings me back go Julie. I told julie all of this. And julie showed me her way of letting the anger and pain out. Julie showed me with a knife. She showed me how much better she felt. And how happy she was when the bleeding stopped. And of course, for apporval and acceptance I joined. Julie had given me a weapon of mass distruction.
After that first cut, it didn't stop. It got worse and worse. And even though I knew it was wrong I did it anyways.
In mid-march God found me. I don't know how and I don't know why. But I was found again.
I went to youth ministry with a purpose. I had to get confirmed. I went to church with a purpose I had to get confirmed...
Now the day of my confirmation, mid-April. The bishop came to SMG. Everyone came. Before I got in line to proceed down the isle, joe came up to me and asked me to follow him into a room where there were 2 presents. He gave me the box and asked if he could say a blessing over me.
What Joe said to me that day, was everything that had been on
My heart for the last 4 months. In a nutshell, he said that no matter what God will always be there for me.
So I went down the isle, became an official member of the catholic church and I felt at peace.
June. 2009. My mom took my sister and myself to a Holy Spirit adoration at the bishop oconnor center. It was crazy. We sang songs and prayed. The most amazing thing happened. When the singing stopped. Everyone in the room minus myself, my sister, and my mom. Everyone else started speaking in tongues. Not only was I freaked out but I was amazed. After the adoration was over, my mom asked if my sister and I could get prayed over.... Getting prayed over was probably something that you could never explain. ( you all want to put it on your bucket list) everything they said was everything I needed to hear. And it was God talking. I was so amazed. That high lasted througout camp and the summer. Which helped because that was the summer I moved.
Ever since my move, my faith has been lukewarm. I am in a sort of limbo like camp. Where I know where I want to go. I want to be in total trust, without a doubt I knwo that God is real and I love him! Place. I've wanted that for a really long time. And seeing you guys get that. It just... Makes me so jealous. I become selfish. Even though I know how hard you guys worked to get there. I just wish I could get there too...
Right now I just feel lost. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed but I'm at a plateau. And I don't know how to get off and move up...
Pls pray.
So yeah... I'm sorry that took so long I just felt like I needed to start at the beginning.
( oh and ik that middle chunk was prolly hard to swallow... Believe me ik. But I have been free of that stuff for about one year. And I plan on never going back. I promise.)
That has been my bible passage for the entire 3 weeks of camp. It still is too. WHY DO I DOUBT?!!!
Heck, how should I know. Idk where to begin. So let's begin at the beginning... Man this could take a while...
I was a cradle catholic, raised and taught the teachings of the catholic church. All my life I had to go to church. I had to do religion classes. And of course being me, I just thought hey, a good way to make a few friends and make it less painful. SO, after 5 years of catholic school, I move. To little old Middleton, Wisconsin.
Still didn't really care about church, still cared more about making friends and feeling accepted in the enviornmemt I was given. Then surely enough my parents decide I'm going to do Youth Ministry, every Wednesday, 6-9, at St. Maria Gorretti parish. All I could think about was how much more torture they could put me through. But I went along with it. I went, and there is where my faith grew. Only slightly.
Summer of 7th grade. My dear neighbor MC Kussart told me about camp gray. Going as a trailblazer, I had fun, I didn't fully understand why everyone was so in love with God, but I liked it. Camp grew on me. 7th grade I went to SMG for YM and loved it more and more. It was something I couldn't explain, all I knew was that it was billions times better than my house. 7th grade flew by, and so did the summer. ( which included a trip to camp gray)
I kept going to youth ministry and camp gray througout 8th grade. But during 8th grade, the youth ministry directors Joe Rausch, and Maria Dulli ( if u guys remember Brian Dulli, he was the priest week 2, that's her son) joe and maria took me under their wing, with my friend Brittany. I will never know why they took me under but I'm so happy they did.
Joe and Maria would sign Brittany and myself up for service proect after service project. It was an amazing feeling to serve and show people that we were doing it for God.
Freshma year rolled around and my faith wasn't fully there, but the flame wasn't fully out.
Sophmore year.
The toughest year of my life. October of sophmore year. (2008 I think) my dad told us we were moving. I cried for about 2 hours. He said we couldn't tell anyone. Not until the "For Sale" sign was in the yard... About this time I met my friend, we'll call her julie.
Julie and I, well we became close. We told eachother everything. Julie was the first person I told. Julie was a major down on my faith life and family life. The more I talked about my faith the more julie would try to block it. And make it go away.
New Years eve, my family let me take julie to church. I was beyond excited because I wanted julie to see what I saw, I wanted her to see Jesus in his prime. I was really excited, but when we got back to my house, julie smashed my hopes of her ever converting into the cold, hard ground. I was devistated. I wanted her to see eye to eye with me for so long. I wanted her to see what I saw. But she never saw it. She saw a Cult, she saw crazy people worshiping something that didn't exist. She saw STRAIGHT UP IDIOTS, wasting their time on nothing.
That night I forgot everything I learned in church. I coudlnt believe that everything I had prayed and hoped for, for the last month wasn't coming true. So, I gave up. I didn't pray. I didn't do anything. In church, I dozed instead of payed attention. In youth minsitry, I rolled my eyes instead of listened in. God was out of my life, or so I thought.
In early January, Julie showed me a sick habit she had. Not only did she want me to try, but she wanted to do it with me.
This, is where it gets hard. Let me back track. After new years I told my dad I didn't want to go to church. He got angry and it was a downward spiral from there. There where arguments and threats of moving out everyday.
Which brings me back go Julie. I told julie all of this. And julie showed me her way of letting the anger and pain out. Julie showed me with a knife. She showed me how much better she felt. And how happy she was when the bleeding stopped. And of course, for apporval and acceptance I joined. Julie had given me a weapon of mass distruction.
After that first cut, it didn't stop. It got worse and worse. And even though I knew it was wrong I did it anyways.
In mid-march God found me. I don't know how and I don't know why. But I was found again.
I went to youth ministry with a purpose. I had to get confirmed. I went to church with a purpose I had to get confirmed...
Now the day of my confirmation, mid-April. The bishop came to SMG. Everyone came. Before I got in line to proceed down the isle, joe came up to me and asked me to follow him into a room where there were 2 presents. He gave me the box and asked if he could say a blessing over me.
What Joe said to me that day, was everything that had been on
My heart for the last 4 months. In a nutshell, he said that no matter what God will always be there for me.
So I went down the isle, became an official member of the catholic church and I felt at peace.
June. 2009. My mom took my sister and myself to a Holy Spirit adoration at the bishop oconnor center. It was crazy. We sang songs and prayed. The most amazing thing happened. When the singing stopped. Everyone in the room minus myself, my sister, and my mom. Everyone else started speaking in tongues. Not only was I freaked out but I was amazed. After the adoration was over, my mom asked if my sister and I could get prayed over.... Getting prayed over was probably something that you could never explain. ( you all want to put it on your bucket list) everything they said was everything I needed to hear. And it was God talking. I was so amazed. That high lasted througout camp and the summer. Which helped because that was the summer I moved.
Ever since my move, my faith has been lukewarm. I am in a sort of limbo like camp. Where I know where I want to go. I want to be in total trust, without a doubt I knwo that God is real and I love him! Place. I've wanted that for a really long time. And seeing you guys get that. It just... Makes me so jealous. I become selfish. Even though I know how hard you guys worked to get there. I just wish I could get there too...
Right now I just feel lost. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed but I'm at a plateau. And I don't know how to get off and move up...
Pls pray.
So yeah... I'm sorry that took so long I just felt like I needed to start at the beginning.
( oh and ik that middle chunk was prolly hard to swallow... Believe me ik. But I have been free of that stuff for about one year. And I plan on never going back. I promise.)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
St. Josemaria Escriva
Remember that get-to-know-the-staff scavenger hunt Jenna had us do during the first week? Well, my first clue was that this staff member was obsessed with Starbucks, and their favorite saint was St. Josemaria Escriva. (Yes, it was Bill) This name stuck in my head all week, mostly because I couldn't pronounce it, and that really bothered me. Then, while working in the kitchen during Week 2, I noticed that St. Josemaria Escriva was quoted on the kitchen wall. Who is this chick? I thought to myself. Then, finally, during one of our first devotions with Bill, he started talking about his favorite saint. He mentioned a book that might be in the chapel, and so I went looking for it.
I arrived at the chapel for adoration, something I really didn't think I would get a whole lot out of. (I've always had a problem with daydreaming. I sometimes wonder how God ever understands anything I say while praying-my thoughts are so completely random and unorganized) St. Francis of Assisi Chapel calls to me, and I can't stay away. The smell of wood, the comforting silence, the way the light pours in through that delicate stained glass window and reflects off the monstrance. Its like, the second I step through those doors, I am completely at peace. I feel so safe; so content. I feel loving arms around me, surrounding my doubts with truth and comforting my fears with hope. Who knew someone could feel something so powerful?
I had no problem finding St. Josemaria Escriva's book. (I found out the craziest thing though. This chick was a DUDE) It was a compilation of three books he had written: The Way/Furrow/The Forge. I opened my adoration kneeling in prayer, and as I opened the book, I found the courage to open myself up to the words on those pages. The pages fell to a section on Lukewarmness of Faith. Coincidence? Of course not. This is God we are talking about here! The dude is a pretty big deal. I'm going to wager he has a little control of these kinds of things. Anyways, the passage that I read was this.
I don't understand how you can call yourself a Christian and lead such an idle, useless life. Have you forgotten Christ's life of toil?-St. Josemaria Escriva
This totally humbled me. I had one of those Alanna, YOU are a MORON moments. What in the world have I been complaining about? So what, I feel stuck in the mud. So what, I have trouble with my friends. So what, I'm incredibly self conscious. So what, I'm so angry at everything she has kept me from experiencing because of her fears. So WHAT? I'm not carrying the sins of the entire freaking world on my shoulders. I don't have nails pounded into my hands and feet, gouging my flesh and crushing my bones. I'm not being HUNG on a CROSS. I can't hide behind these petty excuses much longer. I can't be idle because of her. I can't let fear cripple me. I can't expect all sunshine and butterflies, either, obviously. I mean really. Who thinks they aren't going to have to punch life in the face once in a while? Not me. I guess the plan now is to work on my right hook. Maybe, if I get really good, I'll throw in a left jab.
What does the future bring? A tough year, I can feel it. Looking a little closer, it brings college visits. Since camp, you know what has made me even more excited than going to learn about all these college's art programs? Their campus ministry program. I've had my taste of the most loving, supportive, understanding, and knowledgeable community. I'm sooo not ready to give that up.
I arrived at the chapel for adoration, something I really didn't think I would get a whole lot out of. (I've always had a problem with daydreaming. I sometimes wonder how God ever understands anything I say while praying-my thoughts are so completely random and unorganized) St. Francis of Assisi Chapel calls to me, and I can't stay away. The smell of wood, the comforting silence, the way the light pours in through that delicate stained glass window and reflects off the monstrance. Its like, the second I step through those doors, I am completely at peace. I feel so safe; so content. I feel loving arms around me, surrounding my doubts with truth and comforting my fears with hope. Who knew someone could feel something so powerful?
I had no problem finding St. Josemaria Escriva's book. (I found out the craziest thing though. This chick was a DUDE) It was a compilation of three books he had written: The Way/Furrow/The Forge. I opened my adoration kneeling in prayer, and as I opened the book, I found the courage to open myself up to the words on those pages. The pages fell to a section on Lukewarmness of Faith. Coincidence? Of course not. This is God we are talking about here! The dude is a pretty big deal. I'm going to wager he has a little control of these kinds of things. Anyways, the passage that I read was this.
I don't understand how you can call yourself a Christian and lead such an idle, useless life. Have you forgotten Christ's life of toil?-St. Josemaria Escriva
This totally humbled me. I had one of those Alanna, YOU are a MORON moments. What in the world have I been complaining about? So what, I feel stuck in the mud. So what, I have trouble with my friends. So what, I'm incredibly self conscious. So what, I'm so angry at everything she has kept me from experiencing because of her fears. So WHAT? I'm not carrying the sins of the entire freaking world on my shoulders. I don't have nails pounded into my hands and feet, gouging my flesh and crushing my bones. I'm not being HUNG on a CROSS. I can't hide behind these petty excuses much longer. I can't be idle because of her. I can't let fear cripple me. I can't expect all sunshine and butterflies, either, obviously. I mean really. Who thinks they aren't going to have to punch life in the face once in a while? Not me. I guess the plan now is to work on my right hook. Maybe, if I get really good, I'll throw in a left jab.
What does the future bring? A tough year, I can feel it. Looking a little closer, it brings college visits. Since camp, you know what has made me even more excited than going to learn about all these college's art programs? Their campus ministry program. I've had my taste of the most loving, supportive, understanding, and knowledgeable community. I'm sooo not ready to give that up.
Taylor Writes Too Much
Alright, I suppose I can start.
As many of you may or may not know, something totally awesome happened last night. Something unexpected, yet beautiful. I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just start from the beginning. This is kind of my new testimony, I suppose, and it may very well just turn into me ranting on about how awesome Jesus and Mary are. I also write a lot all the time, and I go on unexpected tangents more than Seminarian Dave, so feel free to exit the browser at any point. So here I go.
I was born and raised Lutheran. When I was little, we went to church every week as a family. My dad would come sometimes, wouldn't come other times. As I grew older, it became Sunday school every week. Obviously as a kid I basically saw it as a burden, something that interrupted my sleep time on the weekends, but I still went. Then, when I was eight, my parents divorced. For a while, everything continued on as normal--we would go to church on Sundays and everything was fine. Once my mom started seriously dating David, however, things changed. Dave (who would eventually become my stepfather) is Atheist, or Agnostic, or something. Basically he doesn't believe in anything we believe, and he doesn't like talking about God. That definitely took a toll on our church-going. We still went to Sunday school, but we didn't always go to mass afterward. It continued like this for a few years--once my brother and sister got confirmed, they both stopped going to church. It became just my mom and me, every week.
The summer after sixth grade, however, changed everything. My friend Jessie and I had stumbled upon Camp Gray when searching for a summer camp to go to, and we decided to give it a try. We had no idea how much faith could be interwoven into everyday life, and it was beautiful. Corey was our counselor, and she made Jesus cool for us. He was no longer an idea that we talked about once a week; He was real. He loved us so much that He died for us, and that was so awesome (it still is so awesome!). When we went home, I was determined to keep growing in my faith like I did at camp. As Lutherans, we started Confirmation classes at around this time. Unlike my peers, I really took it seriously and tried to gain as much out of it as possible. These classes really helped me develop my personal relationship with God, and I'm so grateful for that. Throughout the next few years, I did the same thing: learned through classes, learned through camp, and my relationship with God really grew. It grew so much that I helped out at Vacation Bible School for three years in a row, and led the preschool section for a third year. It grew so much that I taught a Sunday school class this past year. It just grew to a point where I felt so comfortable with God, and I didn't really think I could get much closer to Him. I didn't really understand the specifics of my religion, but I understood that I loved Jesus, and I thought that was enough. I was quite dependent on camp, though. I found that whenever I wanted to feel closer to God, I would just think about my counselors and my friends, and my relationship would strengthen. I went every year from sixth grade on--every year, minus one. In 2008, my scheduling was messed up and I didn't think I had time for the week of Camp Gray, so instead I went to the Lutheran camp through my church. I hated it. I was used to immense feelings of God's love and glory, and here it was like everyone was just here to sing about God. I mean, obviously that helped, but I wanted more, and Camp Gray gave it to me. I knew I needed this place. I wasn't sure why it was so much better, I just knew it was. I felt at home at camp, and I couldn't sacrifice that another year.
So in 2009, I was an Explorer for the first time. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I had heard from so many people that it's a life-changing experience, so I went into it with an open mind. Goodness, did it help me. I found myself so interested in learning everything I could. Mitch helped me so much in that one short week. He was just so full of insight and he really helped me become so much closer to Jesus, and it was awesome.I left that week feeling so blessed and so amazing about my life, and that camp feeling never really died down. For the next year, my faith life was so strong, and I loved it. I couldn't possibly imagine getting any closer to God than I already was.
...Then this year came. The first week was awesome, obviously. I grew so close to all of you, plus I really felt like God wanted me to be there. I really worked hard to let God guide me, and I felt his presence. He wrapped His arms around me and kept me safe, and I felt it all the time. It was so beautiful, and so awesome! Once second week came, I decided it was time to really get serious. I had always come to camp with a somewhat-open mind. I respected the Catholic church, but I didn't agree with it--which is how I looked at the rosary. One day as I went into the chapel, I figured I'd get it out. I knew I wanted so badly to become a counselor next year, but I knew there was no chance I'd get it if I didn't even know this simple form of prayer. So I went to the chapel and, simply for the sake of memorization, I began. I got through it, and as soon as I had the Hail Mary memorized, I felt pride take over. I was so happy that I had done this, and it made me hopeful that I'd be able to keep doing this in the future. After I got over that, though, something even more amazing happened. It was the greatest sensation I've ever experienced--every muscle in my body relaxed and I gave myself completely to God. He held me up and the Holy Spirit consumed my every pore. Peace overwhelmed me and His love ran through my veins. I felt completely perfect, like nothing I had ever before experienced. Mary did that for me, you guys. Seriously! It's so awesome! I can have this awesome relationship with Jesus, but when Mary intercedes it's so much more powerful! I can't even comprehend it, but it's awesome.
So as you all know, week two is when I really started to question my religion. I turned to Jenna, and she helped me so much. She didn't force me one way or another, and she really helped to strengthen my relationship with Mary. She showed me the real love that God has for all of us, and it was so beautiful. She provided me with resources that made me able to find answers even when she wasn't around, and made me able to rely on my own judgment when I need answers. Ha, then there's Bill. I didn't really get to know him the first week like everyone else did, but I knew he was a Seminarian, so he obviously (obvi) knew what he was talking about. Holy cow, he definitely changed my mind on a lot of things. I came to him with so many stereotypes of the Catholic church, and he just immediately broke them down and made them so easy to comprehend. God put them there for me, and I am so grateful and I feel so blessed that they were there--but I was still torn. I felt alone, like no one else had any idea what I was going through at all. For real though guys, God never ceases to amaze me. When I was at my lowest point, He put Danny next to me. Danny knew exactly what I was going through, and it was awesome to have someone like that. He struggled like I did; he doubted like I did. He was able to take the pressure off of my situation and help me realize that my decision needs to be made for me, not anyone else. Things just made sense, and it was awesome. God put these people with me, and they helped me so much. Plus I saw the beauty in everyone else at camp, and it just made me realize how God really wanted something special to happen to me while I was there. Michelle, your childlike faith is beautiful. I love how you get so excited about things and you're so willing to listen to everyone and hear their opinions on things and show them that God is always here for them. Miranda, your faith is passionate and beautiful. God has challenged you so much in your life, but you jump in head-first and show Him that you can do it. You are so strong in your life and in your faith, and it is so beautiful to witness. MC, you've been bombarded with both the Catholic and Lutheran sides all of your life, and it's so great to see how strong your faith has been through all of this. You're a leader and you let God guide you, and I love it so much. Oh Tessa. For real, I love you so much. You are so full of questions that I am praying get answered for you, because I know it will help you so much. You're so compassionate and loving, and you show people the beauty of God all the time. Dan, you're so fun. You could lighten the mood at anytime, and you helped us all to become much more outgoing and loving, just as Jesus wants. Seriously, God loves your spirit, and so do I! It's so amazing, fo realsies. And Alanna. There's so much depth to you, and it's so glorious. You are such a fun-loving person, but you also let God show you the way. You know so much about your faith and what you believe, and you have taught me so much about sharing my faith and the beauty of God. Oh, and you give a mean lion hug (my first ever, might I add!).
So leaving camp, I felt prepared. I talked to people all of the time, and I let (okay, forced) everyone help me whenever I needed it. I stole Jenna and Bill from their breaks and their free time; I ranted to Michelle for a half hour about my worries of not being fulfilled; I connected with Danny through our faith, and it was beautiful. I leaned to Mary, and she helped me so much! I had so many days where I just felt empty. I knew something was missing, so I turned to her. She filled me, you guys. She made everything better, and it was so amazing! She brought me peace when I had given up, and she helped me to realize that God wants to help me so much. I just have to ask.
So then last night, Danny and I went up to camp. I had originally used the return of Jenna's book as my excuse, but it was really because I missed it so much. We made plans that Danny, Jenna, Bill, and I would go out to dinner, just to catch up and chat about what was going on in our faith lives. Well, when Danny and I showed up, it was clean-up time. By the time that was finished, it was staff meeting time. So we grabbed our stuff and headed to the chapel for some one-on-one time with the man upstairs. I prayed the rosary like I always do, and then I just asked God for help. I had struggled every minute of every day over what I was going to do, and I just needed Him to help me.
And then it happened.
It was like Jesus took over me, and let me know that I needed to stop fighting. That same perfect feeling that I had experienced a month earlier occurred last night, except this time it had a message attached. God wanted me to know that He was going to be here for me, and I just needed to follow His path. He wanted me to give up my struggles and just realize what He wants for me. God wants me to be Catholic. I just knew it. It was perfect, and it filled me with so much joy and I just wanted to tell everyone! So then I went to talk to Danny. It was clear that we were both finished, and as we began to talk, he told me what had happened to him. Sitting on separate sides of the chapel, praying over different things, we both came to the exact same decision at the exact same time. We were going to convert. It was so awesome, and it made us feel so amazing and wonderful and completely blessed that God would do this to us.
Our conversation only lasted about ten minutes, but we were so excited. We left the chapel and went to the labyrinth while the staff meeting continued. There, we continued to talk about our worries and struggles, and how we thought everyone would react to hearing our news. When we were finished, we still had to waste time, so we walked around camp until everyone else finished. We saw the new mural (which rocks, by the way), went into the Joe, and went to the bench that I spent so much time at throughout the weeks. When the staff meeting finished, we were informed that Bill and Jenna had to shower, but it got to a point where we couldn't hold it in anymore.
Jenna was picking up her stuff, and we went up to her. We had planned to say it synchronized, but the two of us are far too mentally uncoordinated for that to work, so we just said it. We told her what happened, and it was the most exciting thing ever. Jenna screamed louder than I knew she (or anyone else, for that matter) was capable of. Everyone stared at us as we hugged each other and talked about how completely and totally AMAZING it was. So, obviously, we told everyone. We got so many smiles, so many hugs, so many prayers. Tears were shed and people were picked up mid-hug. It was seriously the most love I think I have ever felt, and Jesus did that. It was one of those moments that felt completely surreal, but at the same time it was wonderful.
We didn't tell Bill until dinner. It was kind of awesome, because everyone else on camp had found out. But seriously guys, telling him was so great. It's hard to explain, but I guess because I've seen God work through him so much over the weeks, it was like seeing God so completely ecstatic that I had finally realized what He had wanted from me all along. I'm never going to forget last night, because it was so perfect. Jesus filled my every need, and it was wonderful. The best part, though? He's not done. He's going to continue to fulfill me and make everything so glorious for me for the rest of my life. And fo realsies, it's awesome.
So that's where I'm at. I've told both my mom and my dad, but it didn't go well. They think I'm brainwashed, no matter how hard I try to explain it to them. My mom is really trying, though. She doesn't understand it, but she knows me, and she wants to. Please please PLEASE pray for them! Pray that they're open, and they see the glory that I have seen through Jesus. Because seriously guys, He rocks. Help them to realize that He did this to me on purpose, and who knows? Maybe one day they'll join me in this path I have taken.
Lord, thank you so much for these people you've blessed me with, and continue showing them Your glory and love every day. Help them to continue showing the world how beautiful You are. Blessed Mother, pray for us. Show us what God wants, and lead us to where He needs us most. Jesus, in your name, I pray. Amen.
Peace and love, LITs.
I'm praying for you.
Taylor
As many of you may or may not know, something totally awesome happened last night. Something unexpected, yet beautiful. I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just start from the beginning. This is kind of my new testimony, I suppose, and it may very well just turn into me ranting on about how awesome Jesus and Mary are. I also write a lot all the time, and I go on unexpected tangents more than Seminarian Dave, so feel free to exit the browser at any point. So here I go.
I was born and raised Lutheran. When I was little, we went to church every week as a family. My dad would come sometimes, wouldn't come other times. As I grew older, it became Sunday school every week. Obviously as a kid I basically saw it as a burden, something that interrupted my sleep time on the weekends, but I still went. Then, when I was eight, my parents divorced. For a while, everything continued on as normal--we would go to church on Sundays and everything was fine. Once my mom started seriously dating David, however, things changed. Dave (who would eventually become my stepfather) is Atheist, or Agnostic, or something. Basically he doesn't believe in anything we believe, and he doesn't like talking about God. That definitely took a toll on our church-going. We still went to Sunday school, but we didn't always go to mass afterward. It continued like this for a few years--once my brother and sister got confirmed, they both stopped going to church. It became just my mom and me, every week.
The summer after sixth grade, however, changed everything. My friend Jessie and I had stumbled upon Camp Gray when searching for a summer camp to go to, and we decided to give it a try. We had no idea how much faith could be interwoven into everyday life, and it was beautiful. Corey was our counselor, and she made Jesus cool for us. He was no longer an idea that we talked about once a week; He was real. He loved us so much that He died for us, and that was so awesome (it still is so awesome!). When we went home, I was determined to keep growing in my faith like I did at camp. As Lutherans, we started Confirmation classes at around this time. Unlike my peers, I really took it seriously and tried to gain as much out of it as possible. These classes really helped me develop my personal relationship with God, and I'm so grateful for that. Throughout the next few years, I did the same thing: learned through classes, learned through camp, and my relationship with God really grew. It grew so much that I helped out at Vacation Bible School for three years in a row, and led the preschool section for a third year. It grew so much that I taught a Sunday school class this past year. It just grew to a point where I felt so comfortable with God, and I didn't really think I could get much closer to Him. I didn't really understand the specifics of my religion, but I understood that I loved Jesus, and I thought that was enough. I was quite dependent on camp, though. I found that whenever I wanted to feel closer to God, I would just think about my counselors and my friends, and my relationship would strengthen. I went every year from sixth grade on--every year, minus one. In 2008, my scheduling was messed up and I didn't think I had time for the week of Camp Gray, so instead I went to the Lutheran camp through my church. I hated it. I was used to immense feelings of God's love and glory, and here it was like everyone was just here to sing about God. I mean, obviously that helped, but I wanted more, and Camp Gray gave it to me. I knew I needed this place. I wasn't sure why it was so much better, I just knew it was. I felt at home at camp, and I couldn't sacrifice that another year.
So in 2009, I was an Explorer for the first time. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I had heard from so many people that it's a life-changing experience, so I went into it with an open mind. Goodness, did it help me. I found myself so interested in learning everything I could. Mitch helped me so much in that one short week. He was just so full of insight and he really helped me become so much closer to Jesus, and it was awesome.I left that week feeling so blessed and so amazing about my life, and that camp feeling never really died down. For the next year, my faith life was so strong, and I loved it. I couldn't possibly imagine getting any closer to God than I already was.
...Then this year came. The first week was awesome, obviously. I grew so close to all of you, plus I really felt like God wanted me to be there. I really worked hard to let God guide me, and I felt his presence. He wrapped His arms around me and kept me safe, and I felt it all the time. It was so beautiful, and so awesome! Once second week came, I decided it was time to really get serious. I had always come to camp with a somewhat-open mind. I respected the Catholic church, but I didn't agree with it--which is how I looked at the rosary. One day as I went into the chapel, I figured I'd get it out. I knew I wanted so badly to become a counselor next year, but I knew there was no chance I'd get it if I didn't even know this simple form of prayer. So I went to the chapel and, simply for the sake of memorization, I began. I got through it, and as soon as I had the Hail Mary memorized, I felt pride take over. I was so happy that I had done this, and it made me hopeful that I'd be able to keep doing this in the future. After I got over that, though, something even more amazing happened. It was the greatest sensation I've ever experienced--every muscle in my body relaxed and I gave myself completely to God. He held me up and the Holy Spirit consumed my every pore. Peace overwhelmed me and His love ran through my veins. I felt completely perfect, like nothing I had ever before experienced. Mary did that for me, you guys. Seriously! It's so awesome! I can have this awesome relationship with Jesus, but when Mary intercedes it's so much more powerful! I can't even comprehend it, but it's awesome.
So as you all know, week two is when I really started to question my religion. I turned to Jenna, and she helped me so much. She didn't force me one way or another, and she really helped to strengthen my relationship with Mary. She showed me the real love that God has for all of us, and it was so beautiful. She provided me with resources that made me able to find answers even when she wasn't around, and made me able to rely on my own judgment when I need answers. Ha, then there's Bill. I didn't really get to know him the first week like everyone else did, but I knew he was a Seminarian, so he obviously (obvi) knew what he was talking about. Holy cow, he definitely changed my mind on a lot of things. I came to him with so many stereotypes of the Catholic church, and he just immediately broke them down and made them so easy to comprehend. God put them there for me, and I am so grateful and I feel so blessed that they were there--but I was still torn. I felt alone, like no one else had any idea what I was going through at all. For real though guys, God never ceases to amaze me. When I was at my lowest point, He put Danny next to me. Danny knew exactly what I was going through, and it was awesome to have someone like that. He struggled like I did; he doubted like I did. He was able to take the pressure off of my situation and help me realize that my decision needs to be made for me, not anyone else. Things just made sense, and it was awesome. God put these people with me, and they helped me so much. Plus I saw the beauty in everyone else at camp, and it just made me realize how God really wanted something special to happen to me while I was there. Michelle, your childlike faith is beautiful. I love how you get so excited about things and you're so willing to listen to everyone and hear their opinions on things and show them that God is always here for them. Miranda, your faith is passionate and beautiful. God has challenged you so much in your life, but you jump in head-first and show Him that you can do it. You are so strong in your life and in your faith, and it is so beautiful to witness. MC, you've been bombarded with both the Catholic and Lutheran sides all of your life, and it's so great to see how strong your faith has been through all of this. You're a leader and you let God guide you, and I love it so much. Oh Tessa. For real, I love you so much. You are so full of questions that I am praying get answered for you, because I know it will help you so much. You're so compassionate and loving, and you show people the beauty of God all the time. Dan, you're so fun. You could lighten the mood at anytime, and you helped us all to become much more outgoing and loving, just as Jesus wants. Seriously, God loves your spirit, and so do I! It's so amazing, fo realsies. And Alanna. There's so much depth to you, and it's so glorious. You are such a fun-loving person, but you also let God show you the way. You know so much about your faith and what you believe, and you have taught me so much about sharing my faith and the beauty of God. Oh, and you give a mean lion hug (my first ever, might I add!).
So leaving camp, I felt prepared. I talked to people all of the time, and I let (okay, forced) everyone help me whenever I needed it. I stole Jenna and Bill from their breaks and their free time; I ranted to Michelle for a half hour about my worries of not being fulfilled; I connected with Danny through our faith, and it was beautiful. I leaned to Mary, and she helped me so much! I had so many days where I just felt empty. I knew something was missing, so I turned to her. She filled me, you guys. She made everything better, and it was so amazing! She brought me peace when I had given up, and she helped me to realize that God wants to help me so much. I just have to ask.
So then last night, Danny and I went up to camp. I had originally used the return of Jenna's book as my excuse, but it was really because I missed it so much. We made plans that Danny, Jenna, Bill, and I would go out to dinner, just to catch up and chat about what was going on in our faith lives. Well, when Danny and I showed up, it was clean-up time. By the time that was finished, it was staff meeting time. So we grabbed our stuff and headed to the chapel for some one-on-one time with the man upstairs. I prayed the rosary like I always do, and then I just asked God for help. I had struggled every minute of every day over what I was going to do, and I just needed Him to help me.
And then it happened.
It was like Jesus took over me, and let me know that I needed to stop fighting. That same perfect feeling that I had experienced a month earlier occurred last night, except this time it had a message attached. God wanted me to know that He was going to be here for me, and I just needed to follow His path. He wanted me to give up my struggles and just realize what He wants for me. God wants me to be Catholic. I just knew it. It was perfect, and it filled me with so much joy and I just wanted to tell everyone! So then I went to talk to Danny. It was clear that we were both finished, and as we began to talk, he told me what had happened to him. Sitting on separate sides of the chapel, praying over different things, we both came to the exact same decision at the exact same time. We were going to convert. It was so awesome, and it made us feel so amazing and wonderful and completely blessed that God would do this to us.
Our conversation only lasted about ten minutes, but we were so excited. We left the chapel and went to the labyrinth while the staff meeting continued. There, we continued to talk about our worries and struggles, and how we thought everyone would react to hearing our news. When we were finished, we still had to waste time, so we walked around camp until everyone else finished. We saw the new mural (which rocks, by the way), went into the Joe, and went to the bench that I spent so much time at throughout the weeks. When the staff meeting finished, we were informed that Bill and Jenna had to shower, but it got to a point where we couldn't hold it in anymore.
Jenna was picking up her stuff, and we went up to her. We had planned to say it synchronized, but the two of us are far too mentally uncoordinated for that to work, so we just said it. We told her what happened, and it was the most exciting thing ever. Jenna screamed louder than I knew she (or anyone else, for that matter) was capable of. Everyone stared at us as we hugged each other and talked about how completely and totally AMAZING it was. So, obviously, we told everyone. We got so many smiles, so many hugs, so many prayers. Tears were shed and people were picked up mid-hug. It was seriously the most love I think I have ever felt, and Jesus did that. It was one of those moments that felt completely surreal, but at the same time it was wonderful.
We didn't tell Bill until dinner. It was kind of awesome, because everyone else on camp had found out. But seriously guys, telling him was so great. It's hard to explain, but I guess because I've seen God work through him so much over the weeks, it was like seeing God so completely ecstatic that I had finally realized what He had wanted from me all along. I'm never going to forget last night, because it was so perfect. Jesus filled my every need, and it was wonderful. The best part, though? He's not done. He's going to continue to fulfill me and make everything so glorious for me for the rest of my life. And fo realsies, it's awesome.
So that's where I'm at. I've told both my mom and my dad, but it didn't go well. They think I'm brainwashed, no matter how hard I try to explain it to them. My mom is really trying, though. She doesn't understand it, but she knows me, and she wants to. Please please PLEASE pray for them! Pray that they're open, and they see the glory that I have seen through Jesus. Because seriously guys, He rocks. Help them to realize that He did this to me on purpose, and who knows? Maybe one day they'll join me in this path I have taken.
Lord, thank you so much for these people you've blessed me with, and continue showing them Your glory and love every day. Help them to continue showing the world how beautiful You are. Blessed Mother, pray for us. Show us what God wants, and lead us to where He needs us most. Jesus, in your name, I pray. Amen.
Peace and love, LITs.
I'm praying for you.
Taylor
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