To be honest, for the past two years, (since I was last at camp) I've avoided God. Not abandoned. Just...avoided. Sophomore year was busy as usual, but I was still keeping my head above water.
That summer, I didn't go to camp. This wasn't my choice, let me tell you. The last time I was at camp (my second year of ADV Ranch), it was about a month after my sister had gotten engaged. While away at camp, Brianna and Peter chose a date for their wedding. Want to guess when they decided to have their wedding? Well, I was already trying to choose between ADV Ranch or the two week Explorer program. Then, I realized that was also the same weekend as the State 4-H Horse Show. Then, they scheduled their wedding. I mean, yeah, super exciting and stuff. Except...I was so angry. These two things that bring me so much joy, camp and horses, I can't have. It was like she didn't even bother to check and make sure her own sister could come to her wedding. So, instead of looking forward to camps and riding horses to prepare for the show, I sat (INSIDE-seriously, I went crazy) underneath my mother's watch, and completed 4-H projects. The sun was shining, and I was trapped under artificial lights.
More problems ensued while planning the wedding. Was it okay that I, at 16, was her Maid of Honor? Mom sure didn't think so. I felt tossed like salad, and I couldn't say anything because how was I supposed to know what I wanted? Everyone was walking on eggshells, afraid to upset or offend someone. Then I was the Maid of Honor, and I didn't even give a freaking toast. How lame is that? I was not brave enough to say something at my own sister's wedding. I had nothing to say. Well, I could have come up with something raunchy and embarrassing, but my family doesn't appreciate that type of humor. (especially my mother. I can see her tsk-tsking now...) I don't have cutesy stories to tell that reflect her character and show everyone why her and Peter are perfect for each other. They just are. Can't that at least be simple?
So, the wedding is done, my mother is free of any more social situations, and all I have to look forward too is a school year full of AP classes. My summer was stressful, school was stressful, I never hung out with friends because I'm not allowed to have fun, ever. (It's not productive)
It was so obvious I wasn't sleeping. It was the middle the swim season, and I was so healthy and yet so unhealthy at the same time. Burning thousands of calories a day (and constantly eating. That's my favorite part of swim season!) and so physically and emotionally exhausted. But I didn't sleep, because I didn't have the time. There were essays to write, Girl Scout Gold Award projects to finish, 4-H meetings to plan for, AP Chem problems to mull over and never understand. In the pool, I wasn't improving the way I should. I worked so hard in the water, but my body just couldn't keep up. My coach sent me home one day and told me to sleep. I didn't. I was just glad to have an extra hour to do homework. I was only up until 11:30 that night instead of 12:30 or 1.
So, I was stressed. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my shoulder muscles were all in knots, and my back hurt so much that I could hardly sit still in class. And when I did have extra time, I didn't want to think. I was so numb, just gliding through this fog of my life. I wanted to sit, brainless, in front of my computer. Lets be honest, facebook is pretty addicting. Then I found Hulu, and now I could stay hooked on all my favorite TV shows that I was missing out on.
Like I said, I hadn't abandoned God. My family went to church every Sunday, and I was in the process of getting confirmed. Unfortunately, my classes were completely void of any meaning. I didn't know if I really wanted to be Catholic, but when I mentioned waiting to take RCIA classes when I was older so that I could actually be getting something out of the experience, there was no option for even a little bit of discussion. For the record, the reasons for me not really wanting to be Catholic had little to do with Catholicism itself. Mostly, it was just me not understanding and having nowhere to turn to ask questions. And the fact that being a practicing Catholic who truly believes and lives out their Christian values everyday is just...not a very popular thing.
My confirmation sponsor was...sort of helpful. She didn't pressure me into believing anything, or even to go to reconciliation (which I was uncomfortable with) before I got confirmed. (I still haven't gone to reconciliation. I'll leave that topic for another day) I finally understood why it made me so angry and annoyed that no one else in my confirmation classes cared. It was because I did care, and that's all I needed. I knew I loved God, and I knew that the more I learned about the church, the more I would be able to accept and understand. I was just ignorant at the time, and that wasn't something to keep me from becoming a member of the Catholic Church. It was a reason for me to join! By being a part of the church, I have a duty to learn everything I can.
When wisdom enters into your heart and knowledge itself becomes pleasant to your very soul, thinking ability itself will keep guard over you, discernment itself will safeguard you, - Proverbs 2:10, 11
So...I was confirmed in November in Waunakee (where Jenna will be working!) and I was happy about that. But life sucks you back in, and a new wave of stress was bearing down on me.
At the beginning of that year, I became close to one of the girls on my softball team. She was a gruff sort of person, a big girl who wasn't afraid to throw her weight around. She took me in and wanted to be my best friend. (Or so I thought) It was such an unhealthy relationship. I gave and gave and gave and never received anything back. She went on and on about all of her problems, but the second we started to talk about what was going on in my life, I was whiney and annoying. She continued to make bad choices and tell me about them and how much they were screwing up her life, but she really didn't want to hear what I had to say. I had a much tougher class schedule than her, and so I had a lot more homework. She didn't understand that I couldn't be at her beck and call. I introduced her to one of my other best friends. It happened so slowly, that I almost didn't realize it. Now the inside jokes weren't between me and her, they were between her and my other friend. This was fine by me-I was so glad that they got along and all three of us could hang out. But as things went on, this girl started to ignore me more and more, and things just spiraled out of control. She made me feel so horrible. Useless in my own skin and terribly out of place. In class, at the lunch table, on the softball field. Almost no one on my team would even acknowledge my presence because of her. I was so lost, and stressed, and hurt, and confused, and alone. And the worst part was, I could finally see how unhealthy her relationship was with my other best friend. She was breaking curfew, skipping out on family events, dropping anything at any moment to hang out with this girl. Everything about the situation made me so angry and so bitter and even more stressed. I just wanted out.
Along with this bad relationship, a good one also began. We were both in band, and he had a bunch of the same classes as me. He wants to go to the Naval Academy but wasn't a very good swimmer, and I'm on swim team. We started helping each other with homework, swimming together, and eventually just hanging out. I made friends with his friends, and everything has been so easy and good. He was there for me when I was frustrated with life, and never jealous or immature like my other friends. I just didn't relate to anyone anymore, and he was a much better listener than any female friend I had at the time. Its going to be really hard saying goodbye to him at the end of the summer, that's for sure.
Anyways, all of this brings me to summer, when I'm finally getting the chance to go back to Camp Gray. As an LIT. For three whole weeks.
When I finally got to camp, the feeling was so strange. I was almost completely stress free. I was at peace. I had nature, and friends, and God. Everything was so...simple, and I really needed that. In my last post I talked about the Camp Gray community, and how incredibly inviting and accepting and loving it is. They didn't give me a chance to feel alone, and I appreciate more than anyone will ever know.
While meeting with "Brother David!" and Father Greg, I hardly had any questions at all. I loved hearing all of your questions and discussing the answers (what can I say, I love to talk), but nothing was popping into my head. I just...I let things go. I stopped ignoring, and I was just like Hello, God. You're there, and you're awesome, and I think I finally get that now. I wasn't worried about stereotypes anymore. I was just happy to be.
I had two big problems though. During the first weeks, I still got this funny feeling while going through all of the energetic Camp Gray rituals. As part of the staff, I knew a lot about camp is a performance. And so, my main concern was this phony feeling being Catholic gave me. (Or so I thought that's what gave it to me). The second thing nagging at me was that I wasn't sure I was right for Camp Gray. I'd always looked up to the staff and wanted to badly to be one of them. But here I was, and something wasn't clicking. I wanted more time for thought and reflection. Some days, it was really really hard to give up that time and go play with the campers. It all felt kind of empty, and I wasn't sure why.
Then Week Three came, and things changed. I had the opportunity to lead devotions, and I was so excited. This had always been one of the most influential parts of camp for me, and I so badly wanted to share that with these girls. I planned my devotions around the Footprints Poem. I remember hearing this poem as a Trailblazer, and thinking my counselors were goofy for saying God was there to be your friend, not just this untouchable, all-powerful being. But a lot had changed since I was in fifth and sixth grade, and while planning my devotions, this poem spoke to me again. I wrote out this whole speech about through good times and bad, Jesus loves you. When you need someone (even when you feel so incredibly alone) Jesus is always there for you. Counselors had preached this to me for years, but it took me saying it to these 7 year old girls for it to finally seep through my obnoxiously thick skull. I was sitting on the dock at Lake Jake with my campers, Rachel, and Mo-T sitting in a circle beside me. (We made footprints in the sand!) I'm saying these words, that Jesus is the one friend who will never ever let you down, and that you can tell him anything. He listens, even if you want to rant about the most bizarre things. As I spoke, I watched Mo-T and Rachel nod in agreement and I finally realized what I was saying was so true. I was practically punching myself in the face for being so dense. All year, when I felt so alone, Jesus was there! I just wasn't looking for him. Realizing that has helped me to let go of everything that happened this year. It feels so glorious (to use Taylor's favorite word ha ha) to know that the entire time, there he was, carrying my weight on his shoulders. The reason I didn't know he was carrying it too was that I couldn't just let go and allow Him to help me.
So, that's the story. I'm back on the ol' Jesus wagon. I still have big decisions to make this upcoming year, with college looming in the distance. I can't wait to leave (in fact, I need to leave very badly) but I'm just not sure what I want. When it comes to summer, I have to decide whether Camp Gray is where I'm supposed to be. There are so many opportunities out there, and I need to spend my year figuring out where I am called.
Like my old English teacher always used to say when he ranted: "You've got to tell a bunch of little stories so the real story makes sense."
-Alanna
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