Oh you of little faith why do you doubt??
That has been my bible passage for the entire 3 weeks of camp. It still is too. WHY DO I DOUBT?!!!
Heck, how should I know. Idk where to begin. So let's begin at the beginning... Man this could take a while...
I was a cradle catholic, raised and taught the teachings of the catholic church. All my life I had to go to church. I had to do religion classes. And of course being me, I just thought hey, a good way to make a few friends and make it less painful. SO, after 5 years of catholic school, I move. To little old Middleton, Wisconsin.
Still didn't really care about church, still cared more about making friends and feeling accepted in the enviornmemt I was given. Then surely enough my parents decide I'm going to do Youth Ministry, every Wednesday, 6-9, at St. Maria Gorretti parish. All I could think about was how much more torture they could put me through. But I went along with it. I went, and there is where my faith grew. Only slightly.
Summer of 7th grade. My dear neighbor MC Kussart told me about camp gray. Going as a trailblazer, I had fun, I didn't fully understand why everyone was so in love with God, but I liked it. Camp grew on me. 7th grade I went to SMG for YM and loved it more and more. It was something I couldn't explain, all I knew was that it was billions times better than my house. 7th grade flew by, and so did the summer. ( which included a trip to camp gray)
I kept going to youth ministry and camp gray througout 8th grade. But during 8th grade, the youth ministry directors Joe Rausch, and Maria Dulli ( if u guys remember Brian Dulli, he was the priest week 2, that's her son) joe and maria took me under their wing, with my friend Brittany. I will never know why they took me under but I'm so happy they did.
Joe and Maria would sign Brittany and myself up for service proect after service project. It was an amazing feeling to serve and show people that we were doing it for God.
Freshma year rolled around and my faith wasn't fully there, but the flame wasn't fully out.
Sophmore year.
The toughest year of my life. October of sophmore year. (2008 I think) my dad told us we were moving. I cried for about 2 hours. He said we couldn't tell anyone. Not until the "For Sale" sign was in the yard... About this time I met my friend, we'll call her julie.
Julie and I, well we became close. We told eachother everything. Julie was the first person I told. Julie was a major down on my faith life and family life. The more I talked about my faith the more julie would try to block it. And make it go away.
New Years eve, my family let me take julie to church. I was beyond excited because I wanted julie to see what I saw, I wanted her to see Jesus in his prime. I was really excited, but when we got back to my house, julie smashed my hopes of her ever converting into the cold, hard ground. I was devistated. I wanted her to see eye to eye with me for so long. I wanted her to see what I saw. But she never saw it. She saw a Cult, she saw crazy people worshiping something that didn't exist. She saw STRAIGHT UP IDIOTS, wasting their time on nothing.
That night I forgot everything I learned in church. I coudlnt believe that everything I had prayed and hoped for, for the last month wasn't coming true. So, I gave up. I didn't pray. I didn't do anything. In church, I dozed instead of payed attention. In youth minsitry, I rolled my eyes instead of listened in. God was out of my life, or so I thought.
In early January, Julie showed me a sick habit she had. Not only did she want me to try, but she wanted to do it with me.
This, is where it gets hard. Let me back track. After new years I told my dad I didn't want to go to church. He got angry and it was a downward spiral from there. There where arguments and threats of moving out everyday.
Which brings me back go Julie. I told julie all of this. And julie showed me her way of letting the anger and pain out. Julie showed me with a knife. She showed me how much better she felt. And how happy she was when the bleeding stopped. And of course, for apporval and acceptance I joined. Julie had given me a weapon of mass distruction.
After that first cut, it didn't stop. It got worse and worse. And even though I knew it was wrong I did it anyways.
In mid-march God found me. I don't know how and I don't know why. But I was found again.
I went to youth ministry with a purpose. I had to get confirmed. I went to church with a purpose I had to get confirmed...
Now the day of my confirmation, mid-April. The bishop came to SMG. Everyone came. Before I got in line to proceed down the isle, joe came up to me and asked me to follow him into a room where there were 2 presents. He gave me the box and asked if he could say a blessing over me.
What Joe said to me that day, was everything that had been on
My heart for the last 4 months. In a nutshell, he said that no matter what God will always be there for me.
So I went down the isle, became an official member of the catholic church and I felt at peace.
June. 2009. My mom took my sister and myself to a Holy Spirit adoration at the bishop oconnor center. It was crazy. We sang songs and prayed. The most amazing thing happened. When the singing stopped. Everyone in the room minus myself, my sister, and my mom. Everyone else started speaking in tongues. Not only was I freaked out but I was amazed. After the adoration was over, my mom asked if my sister and I could get prayed over.... Getting prayed over was probably something that you could never explain. ( you all want to put it on your bucket list) everything they said was everything I needed to hear. And it was God talking. I was so amazed. That high lasted througout camp and the summer. Which helped because that was the summer I moved.
Ever since my move, my faith has been lukewarm. I am in a sort of limbo like camp. Where I know where I want to go. I want to be in total trust, without a doubt I knwo that God is real and I love him! Place. I've wanted that for a really long time. And seeing you guys get that. It just... Makes me so jealous. I become selfish. Even though I know how hard you guys worked to get there. I just wish I could get there too...
Right now I just feel lost. And I have prayed and prayed and prayed but I'm at a plateau. And I don't know how to get off and move up...
Pls pray.
So yeah... I'm sorry that took so long I just felt like I needed to start at the beginning.
( oh and ik that middle chunk was prolly hard to swallow... Believe me ik. But I have been free of that stuff for about one year. And I plan on never going back. I promise.)
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